Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of wives who have either just started their separation or who have been told that their husbands want one. Understandably, many of them are scared and reluctant. Many have a hard time finding anything that is positive about their situation, even when they know that having a negative attitude might make things worse. So, many tell themselves that they need to adjust their attitude in order to look on the brighter side. But they have a very hard time seeing a bright side.

Someone might describe it this way: “all of my friends and family tell me that I am being too pessimistic about the fact that my husband wants a separation. I admit that I am very down about this. I am very scared that I am going to end up divorced. Yes, I am moping around, crying, and not really getting out of the house much. But I really do not think that I can be blamed for this. There is no way to pretend that my husband’s wanting to separate from me is a gift or a blessing. It is not. It’s a very negative thing that could change my life. Last night, my husband said that I needed to look at the pros instead of the cons. For the life of me, I can not see any pros. Are there any?”

I agree that the positives can be very hard to see. I know this first hand. When you are faced with losing what you love the most, of course your viewpoint is going to be clouded by fear. There are very few ways to spin the fact that your husband is telling you that he needs a break from you or that he wants to separate.

But, I have learned that there are some positives much of the time. And I can probably say this because I have the luxury of hindsight now because I certainly could not see it at the time. But now that I know that my marriage is OK and that I am not going to lose my husband, I can look back and see that the separation was actually a turning point in our marriage and, if truth be told, it actually improved things in some ways.

But first things first. The most obvious pro about a separation is that it is not a divorce. I often feel that there is a reason that the person wanting the separation does not just immediately file for divorce. I often believe that this is potentially telling because it could mean that the initiator of the separation has some hope that there might be a chance for the marriage in the future or he may have some feelings that make him doubt that he truly wants to end the marriage.

When the alternative is an imminent divorce, then a separation starts to look pretty good by comparison because with a separation, at least there is a better chance that things can turn around. Plus, you typically will have more time. When you’re trying to save your marriage in the face of divorce, you often have a shorter time frame to work within.

Secondly, many couples see their marriages and their troubles a little differently after a separation. Sometimes, they miss their spouse or they feel a very deep void without them present. This sometimes allows them to see what they have missed before. Perhaps they realize that they took their spouse for granted or they come to see that they were a little harsh in their judgements about their spouse.

Whatever the insights, sometimes a separation encourages people to be a little more accommodating and less judgmental. It sometimes makes people more willing to come to the table and to work things out.

And, sometimes when couples work very hard or seek counseling during a separation, they are finally able to fix or work through the issues that were coming up over and over again. This can be a huge relief and it can strengthen your marriage from that point forward. I believe that is why some couples will tell you that the separation actually changed their marriage for the better.

I know that this is a scary time. I understand completely. But I do believe that there can be some positives sometimes. Of course, if you had your way, you would not be separated at all. But, sometimes you have to play that card that has been dealt. And in terms of a separation, sometimes that hand turns out to a winner when you play it correctly.

I do know how you feel.  And I had the exact same fears.  But eventually, I found through trial and error that every time I was more positive and light with my husband, he was much more receptive to me.  I believe that this made a HUGE difference in our ability to reconcile. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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