Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s normal to try to diminish the impact and devastation of the situation when your husband asks for space.  After all, this is a very painful request.  No one wants to believe that their husband is trying to limit his contact with them or to distance himself from them.

So it’s normal to try to minimize this and to hope that in time, things will get better.  It is human nature to start out giving a little space and then slowly returning back to your regular life in the hopes that this is all going to blow over and your marriage can go back to normal again.  Plus, it feels weird and wrong to distance yourself from your husband. No wants wants to be lonely in their own home.  However, this lack of direction can come back and bite you in the end, when your husband claims that you didn’t give him what he asked for and then tells you that he may just leave the home to get the space that he wants.

A wife might describe it this way: “about six weeks ago, my husband and I went out to dinner and he drank a little too much.  As a result, he started rambling on and talking too much, as he tends to do when he’s had a little too much to drink.  During these ramblings, he alluded to the fact that he isn’t happy in our marriage anymore and that he wanted / needed more space from me.  I honestly thought this was the alcohol talking.  But a couple of days after that, he moved some stuff into the spare bedroom and started sleeping there.  For about five days afterward, he went out with friends instead of coming right home from work.  I tried not to make a big deal of this and kept myself busy with other things.  But inside, I was panicking. I was so afraid to end up separated or divorced.  We continued to kiss, hug, show affection, etc.  It was just that he was not around as much anymore and I tried to back off a little while we slept in different rooms.  Well, a little while later he had too much to drink again and we ended up having sex.  Actually, we had a wonderful night together.  So of course afterward, I moved his clothes back into our room and, at the time, he didn’t say anything about this.  He seemed to not mind.  But then a couple of weeks later, he announced that he hadn’t really gotten the space that he wanted while living at home, so he feels that it is necessary for him to move out.  I’m stunned.  I thought we had gotten past this. And now I am so mad at myself for moving him out of the spare bedroom without talking to him about it first.  I should not have made assumptions like that.  And now I have potentially ruined my marriage and messed up big time.  I am so mad at myself.  How stupid can I be?”

Please don’t beat yourself up in this way.  You weren’t stupid.  Frankly, you followed his cues.  And you were hoping for the best, as is human nature to do so.  You wanted to think the best of your marriage and you were trying to pull it out of its downward spiral.  All of these things are normal and show you to be a loving wife, not a stupid one.

You Could Have Executed Everything Perfectly And He Might Still Want Space: I’m honestly not sure that your “mistake” contributed to how your husband is acting right now.  You could have done everything perfectly.  You could have followed his request to the letter.  And he still might want to move out.  Why?  Because sometimes men think that they can’t truly experience their “space” or “time” unless they are away from their home and from their spouse.  Many try to get the space while still at home.  But some end up feeling that it just isn’t enough.  This can be true even when your spouse cooperated and gave you every ounce of the space that you wanted.

So I don’t think that worrying that you did anything wrong is going to help.  I think it’s possible that he’s under the belief that the only way that he is going to be able to evaluate how he feels is to have a physical break from you outside of the home.

Sometimes The Space Actually Serves A Purpose: I know that this is scary. I panicked when this happened to me.  I was sure that I would end up divorced.  But I am not.  And I am not sure what I could have done (if anything) to get my husband to change his mind.  In fact, in hindsight, I feel like the space was ultimately beneficial, although I would not want to repeat the process.

Ideally, if there is no way to avoid this happening and he doesn’t change his mind, you want to set it up so that he stays with friends rather than signing a long term lease of any kind.  Because the goal is to let the space work for you so that he quickly sees that he’s no more happy with his “space.” In fact, many men come to realize that they were no happier living under a different roof than their spouse.  If nothing else, space can often bring about a needed change in perspective.

Yes, it is painful while you are waiting for this change in perspective.  But use the time to your advantage.  Work on yourself.  Address the issues that lead up to the separation in the first place.  That way, you are actually strengthening your marriage during the separation instead of weakening it.  I DO understand how scary this is.  But separation does not always lead to divorce even if it looks that way right now.  You can read more about how I handled this process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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