Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who will tell you that they are willing to do just about anything to save their marriages. Many of them are technically separated and living apart. Others have agreed to give their spouse “space.” Either way, most wives desperately miss their husbands and want to find some way to save their marriage, even if they have to do it alone.

Understandably then, many wives will try to be overly nice and accomodating in the hopes that this will make their husbands think of them favorably or want to reconcile.

Or, some wives may take the opposite stance and try to identify and then fix their marital problems so that the husband has no reason to want to stay away. Although these strategies are completely understandable, some wives worry that these sudden, and obviously dramatic, changes won’t land quite right.

A wife might say, “My husband has been restless in our marriage for several months. Right now, we are ‘taking a break’ from one another, but I feel like this is code for the start of ending our marriage. My husband claims that this isn’t so, but he hasn’t shown a lot of interest in reconciling. So I’ve tried various things to change his mind. First, I tried being extremely sweet and affectionate. He was polite, but honestly, he rejected me. He didn’t come out and say for me to leave him alone, but he doesn’t respond to any of my overtures. After that, I decided that we needed to fix some things that I knew were wrong in our marriage. But when I attempted to discuss this with my husband, he said he just wasn’t ready to start working on our marriage and that he just wanted to take some time and see what happened. I have talked to mutual friends about how I should move forward, and most of them tell me that I am trying too hard and that I need to let my husband come to me. Are they right? Because honestly, if I try to let him come to me, I’m scared that he never will.”

Why Very Few Aggressive Strategies Work On A Husband Seeking Space: This is a tricky spot, that I was in myself. Honestly, very few of my overly aggressive strategies ever worked. Initially, I attempted to convince my husband that he was wrong to even want space. When that didn’t work, I tried to guilt, push, and strong-arm him into giving me more reassurance and access to him. I received less access as a result. Then, I tried to convince him that if we just worked on our marriage, we would prevail. The problem with this strategy is that he wanted space from me, not to join forces. So ultimately, this meant even less access to him.

It took too long for me to realize that I was only working with ONE person willing to take immediate action – myself. I had to take an honest look at our situation and realize that, in order to get my husband interested in reconciling, I first had to get him thinking favorably of me again. So I had to set my goals much, much lower. And I had to make myself strong, capable and growing. Because ultimately, this evolving person was going to be much more attractive than the desperate, reaching person I’d been.

If you are trying a very sweeping, ambitious strategy, you may want to consider setting the bar lower and working in gradual ways. In my observation and experience, you will get many more wins this way.

Inauthentic Behavior As A Form Of Self Sabotage: I know that you want to use any strategy that will give you a favorable response. And I admit that sometimes you have to display attitudes and behaviors that place you in a positive light to maintain positivity between you.

Because if your relationship turns even more negative, then it is extremely hard to gain any ground. That said, never forget that your husband knows you better than anyone else. So he is going to be able to immediately know if you’re being blatantly fake and ingenuine.

I know that it is a unique tight rope that you are walking. You have to become very good at reading your husband’s responses and adjusting accordingly. Sometimes, you will have to give him space and try again at a later time. Other times, you will need to seize upon the opportunities that he gives you. All the while, you have to be a genuine, but positive, version of yourself.  If you can’t be genuine in any behavior or action, you’re better off not even attempting it.

Giving Space While Making Gains: I realize that some people reading this article may be discouraged and thinking that there is nothing they can do to advance their marriage while their spouse is taking the space.

This just isn’t true. But, you may have to start with yourself, as you are the most captive audience that you have. Look for places in your marriage that only need adjustments from you. If you are honest, you can always find these places. You can easily make these adjustments while you are giving him space.

Should You Let Him Come To You?: In my experience, yes and no. Many wives take the “giving space” to extremes. I never had success with this, either. What I found to work for me was to always maintain respectful contact. I learned to text rather than to call unannounced. If my husband wasn’t particularly chatty or responsive, I would just ask how he was, let him know I was thinking of him, and then move on.

However, if he was suddenly more interested and receptive, then I would definitely take advantage of this to try to maintain (and build upon) positive access.

Now, when we began to have more intense communications and we began to see one another in ways that made it obvious a reconciliation might be on the table, I did let my husband take the initiative. Because of previous experience, I was scared of continuing to push and then have him retreat again. Thankfully, this worked well.

I believe that it is possible to sabotage yourself when you go against the grain of what your husband has asked for. That said, you CAN make small, gradual gains by taking the progress that he allows. My husband and I reconciled and are still together today because I accepted and capitalized on a more gradual strategy.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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