Leslie Cane Articles

By Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have to adjust to rapidly changing behaviors from their husband during their trial or marital separation. It’s not uncommon that just as everything seems hopeless and just as the wife begins to live her life again, suddenly the husband begins to show some interest. At that point, not only if the wife very confused, she has to determine the best course of action and decide how to deal with this.

An example is a comment like: “honestly, our trial separation did not go very well. I was incredibly clingy and my husband really just wanted time away from me. Emotionally, I just couldn’t give it. I see now that I called and texted too much. Even though my husband told me that I was going too far, I couldn’t seem to stop myself. So my husband took the very drastic step to move away. Sure, he was offered a very tempting job, but he pursued that job. And now we live two hours apart from one another. Once he moved, I had to face the facts that our marriage was probably over. It hurt me to do this, but what choice do I have? About a week after he moved, my husband started calling me. At first it was only once every couple of days but now it is every day. Although I’m really glad to hear from him, I confused. It’s not as if we talk about anything major or related to our marriage. But we do talk every day and out conversations are pleasant. I am not sure what to make of this. Part of me is happy to see some improvement. But another part of me is very torn. He lives two hours away. How in the world are we going to make any progress in that situation? I kind of resent him waiting to move before he would be receptive to me. Why wait to talk to me until he moved?”

It’s actually very common for a husband to suddenly be interested or receptive again once the wife appears to have accepted the situation and backed off just a little. This is what happened in my case. It is almost as if the husband has finally gotten the time and space that he wanted and determined that it wasn’t so great after all. In my view, you really do have two choices here. You can become resentful that he waited so long and react with frustration and distance (which might hurt your chances of saving your marriage) or you can vow to just see what happens and to not get ahead of yourself.

It’s very normal to start thinking about a reconciliation the second he starts being nicer to you. But that can be a big mistake. I made that mistake, my husband backed away again, and I had to start all over. This wasted precious time and caused even more pain. It was very hard to pick myself up and back away a second time. But doing so meant he eventually became receptive again. That’s why I think that the best strategy right now is to not think too hard about tomorrow. There is nothing wrong with hoping that tomorrow turns out like you planned. But, understand that the situation is delicate.

My suggestion would be to just enjoy your daily conversations. The goal really should be to end the conversation in a positive way so that he calls again tomorrow and the next day and so on. In this way, there isn’t a lot of pressure and you are hopefully slowly building up to something else. Try very hard not to ask your husband just where he thinks all of this going or why he’s suddenly receptive. Frankly, he may not really know. It might be that all he knows is that he found himself missing you and he wanted to hear your voice. This is actually a great thing if you still want to save your marriage.

And, although you might find this situation frustrating, it really is a very unique opportunity. Since you won’t see each other regularly, you have this wonderful chance to just talk and to communicate. Communicating effectively is vital for a sound reconciliation and a strong marriage. It’s a great opportunity for you to hone this skill while you are reconnecting. And I suspect that it will mean that when you do see one another, sparks will fly because of the anticipation.

But to address the original concern, I believe that this turn of events is actually potentially a very positive thing. Sure, it’s very inconvenient that he has already moved, but it’s not insurmountable. In the future, one or both of you may decide to move to be with the other. But try very hard not to think about that right now. Just take it day by day. And enjoy the process. Because it’s so much better that he’s calling you instead of refusing to take your calls, right?

I do understand how difficult this is.  I’ve been there.  But I firmly believe that it’s vital that you don’t assume too much or move too quickly.  You have a much higher chance of achieving a lasting reconciliation  You’re welcome to read more about how I handled this same situation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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