Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very frustrating when your spouse seems to make a very abrupt decision about your marriage and then tells you that there is nothing you can do to change his or her mind. It’s doubly frustrating when you suspect that your spouse is being advised by someone who doesn’t know you, or your marriage, at all.

I was recently contacted by a husband who noticed an undeniable change in his wife’s demeanor and stance after visiting a psychic. It is always illuminating to hear from husbands. Many of us wives assume that during marital turmoil or separations, the husband usually distances himself or “wants out.” However, I hear from a subset of husbands who desperately want to save their marriages and are willing to do anything to make that happen.

In this case, the couple’s marriage was in trouble because they had prioritized their finances. As parents, they understandably wanted their family to have a comfortable life. As a result, they worked opposing shifts and didn’t see one another enough to keep their marriage strong. I am paraphrasing the husband, but his narrative went something like this: “I made the mistake of thinking that being a good provider was what my family needed most. I wanted my kids to have every advantage, but while my wife and I were working so hard, our family life, and our marriage, suffered. I take responsibility for that. I also admit that I disengaged when my wife began to confront me about the state of our marriage. Her complaints felt very personal, and she said some hurtful things. I did not want to engage or make things worse, so I distanced myself. This was a mistake. Looking back, her words seemed like personal attacks. But she was possibly trying to get my attention. Despite this, I felt like we still loved each other. But that all changed after she visited a psychic. The woman who left that day was completely different from the woman who came home after having the psychic reading. She came home and was cold and uncommunicative. She accused me of ’emotionally abandoning’ her. She announced that she wanted to go to counseling, which I immediately scheduled. However, once we got to the counselor’s office, she refused to actively participate and then declared she wanted a divorce. She reasoned that people cannot change. She also insisted that she does not love me and will never love me again. She has taken down family photos and says she wants a divorce as soon as possible. I feel like something changed after the visit to the psychic. Or, I suppose she may have met someone else. I am working on myself and trying to remain positive, but I’d love a miracle to save my marriage. Is this even possible?”

I believe that anything is possible, but this situation is admittedly challenging. And it’s hard to speculate when I don’t know the personalities involved. That said, here are some insights that I hope might help.

Although It’s Tempting, Resist The Urge To Blame Outside Forces That Put You On Opposing Sides: The husband was taking responsibility for his part in the marital issues, and this should continue, despite the challenges ahead. I understand believing that the psychic’s visit contributed to the wife’s sudden change of heart. It must be very tempting to insist that this person knows nothing about the marriage, the husband, or even the wife.

However, you have to think about how the message will be received. This wife is likely in a delicate place. It may help to put yourself in her shoes. She’s about to make a huge change in her life and the past several months have probably been hard on everyone. Going to a psychic may imply that she was conflicted and searching. However, if you tell her that it’s foolish of her to make a life-altering decision based on the advice of a stranger, she may become defensive and distance herself even more. When you have a spouse who already wants a divorce, you can’t afford to put yourself on opposing sides. So, sometimes you have to bite your tongue and take a supportive, rather than combative, stance.

Follow The Clues Your Spouse Has Given You – Offer Unconditional Support: As difficult as this situation was, the husband DID have some clues as to which stance he should take. He knew that neglect had contributed to the breakdown of his marriage and he knew that his wife felt very resentful about what she perceived as “emotional abandonment.” So, the best stance going forward is probably going to be to try to be open, calm, and supportive. I know this is a tall order when she’s pushing you away and wanting to end your marriage as soon as possible. But offering support is probably the best way to get her to drop her defenses and to let down the wall that she is building around herself. It is also a good way to maintain a positive relationship with the mother of your children, which is very important. Ask her how she is faring. Offer to take the kids so that she can have some time for herself.

Continue With Individual Work: The husband already understood that working on himself was beneficial. That was half the battle. It is so tempting to wallow in despair and isolate yourself. But these actions do nothing to improve your situation. I would continue with counseling and self-work. A stronger version of yourself will fare better in whatever situation presents itself moving forward. You will likely be a better parent as well. Prioritize your health in every way that you can – mental and physical. Surround yourself with positive, supportive loved ones. Try very hard to keep placing one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

Use Your Time Wisely: I am not an attorney and can’t speak on how long your divorce will take. However, since there are children involved, it’s a fair bet that you will need to see your spouse during this process. Make these meetings count. Try to make sure they always end on a positive note so that your wife will think of you favorably as she looks back on the encounter. Ideally, each new encounter will build upon the positive aspects of the previous one. Present yourself as someone who cares very much about his family and his marriage, but who also cares about himself and therefore, is coping.

If possible, suggest family counseling. She may only agree to this for the kids, but that is better than nothing. Counseling is not only beneficial for all involved, but it will give you more time to spend with your spouse and your family in a supportive setting.

Be Prepared To Regroup And React When Needed: It may be reassuring to know that a spouse’s attitude and stance can change dramatically during this process. No one can predict the future, but your spouse may lose some of her resolve in the coming days. She could also cling even more tightly to it, even if she is privately having doubts. Try to watch and listen very closely so that you can respond accordingly. Some days, she may be receptive and you may be able to gain some ground. Other days, you may need to back off. You must be able to identify, (and respond appropriately to,) these opportunities and setbacks. And this comes back to the emotional intelligence and support that we have been talking about all along. If you can become very good at putting yourself in your wife’s shoes, it is much easier to know when opportunities present themself.

Hang in there. I know that this is difficult. I also concede that there is luck involved. But keep moving forward and keep an eye out for opportunities to reach out to and move closer to your spouse. If you keep setting up positive encounters that show your spouse that you CAN be emotionally supportive and available, you never know what might happen.

I was sure my own marriage was over and my husband was completely done with our marriage. I was pleasantly surprised that there was an in where I could turn things around. That story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin