Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives fear the marital separation like almost nothing else. Few people want to live alone. And few people like to face the unknown. Frankly, there is some comfort in knowing that someone is going to be there when you come home at night and that tomorrow is going to look a lot like yesterday. So when something happens to push a separation on you, it’s often your greatest hope that it ends as soon as possible so that you can get back to regular, comfortable, and predictable life. You hope that in just a few short weeks, he will miss you, come home, and stop this nonsense. So when this doesn’t happen, it can be quite devastating.

I might her from someone who says: “knowing that I had no choice in the separation was the worst part about it. Being alone is no fun either. The only way that I consoled myself about this was with the thought that if I was patient and gave my husband a couple of weeks, then he was going to start missing me and wanting to come home. I figured that I could deal with anything for a couple of weeks. Well, it has been two and a half weeks and my husband is mostly still avoiding me. We were talking on the phone last night and I asked him if his feelings about me, our marriage, or the separation have changed. His response to me was ‘not really. I still need time. Nothing has changed.’ This was incredibly disappointing to me. He needed time and I gave him that time and now I am starting to think that either it’s going to be a much longer time until he comes back or he is not going to come back at all. I feel so let down. And now I’m facing a situation where I have to tolerate this longer than I originally thought. I don’t know how I’m going to fill the time.”

Why Patience Is Often The Best Call: This is a very common situation. Often, in the initial stages of the separation, we console ourselves with the thought that hopefully, this will all be over before we know it. But, our husband’s time line can be much different from ours. And you have a choice here. You can get discouraged and frustrated and begin to believe that he is never coming home. Or, you can decide to get busy so that the time goes by faster. Here is something that I can tell you with a good deal of certainly. If you become angry or point out how this isn’t fair and then try to pressure your husband to stop being silly or selfish and to come home immediately, then you’ve often almost assured yourself that he is going to drag his feet in doing it. No one likes to be told what to do, much less a grown man.

I know that a few weeks seems like an eternity to you. (It seemed like an eternity to me too.) But, in the grand scheme of things, that is not very long. Much to my dismay, my separation went on for much longer than this. My husband perceived that he needed time on his own and that he was going to wait until it was clear to him that either he was ready to come home or he was ready to pursue something else. Was this scary and frustrating to me? You bet it was. And I did many things that I came to regret out of sadness and frustration But I started to notice a pattern. Every time I’d try to pressure him to come home, he pulled away from me. And that made things worse. And that meant that he would be away for an even longer period of time. So, after seeing this pattern for a while, I decided to stop obsessing on the time. It was a huge challenge. But I firmly believe that this is one reason why I am still married today.

The truth is, my husband wasn’t yet ready to make a decision. And my pressuring him would have pushed him to make a decision that I didn’t like. By waiting, I gave myself the chance that one day, he would feel differently and come home. But I knew if I had proclaimed I wasn’t waiting any longer, then he would have ultimately decided on a divorce. I figured as long as I didn’t force his hand, I at least had a chance that he would one day come around.

I know that keeping yourself busy when you’re alone can be a huge challenge. That said, it is so important. If it is clear to your husband that you are sitting at home and just waiting on his next move, then he doesn’t have any incentive to move any faster. And frankly, this paints you in a light that is not so attractive. But, if you go out with friends, pursue things you love, and stay busy trying to work on yourself, then you are going to appear a lot more attractive to him and your busyness is going to ensure that you’re less likely to pressure him.

You Can Set It Up So He Is More Likely To Want To Come Home: I’d like to make one more point. Although this is his decision and you can’t make it for him, you can set up the circumstances that are favorable to him wanting to be closer to you. Think about it for a second. If you are abrasive, restless, and putting the pressure on him, how likely do you think it is that he is going to look upon you favorably enough to want to come home? But if you try to focus on the positive and are coping, busy, and laid back, isn’t it much more likely that he is going to want to be closer to you?

I don’t say this to lay any blame or to tell you that you are doing things wrong. I just want to make it clear that the more you pressure and show how unhappy you are with this timeline, the more likely that the time line isn’t going to be shortened any. I know it’s very hard to keep busy, but I found that keeping busy was the thing that made the separation tolerable and it was a contributing factor to my husband becoming interested in me again.   If it helps, you’re welcome to read more my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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