Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: A good amount of the correspondence that I get comes from wives who are not sure how to deal with a husband who has initiated a separation after a mid life crisis.

Understandably, it can be a big challenge to deal with or try to reason with these husbands because they are going through a phase where they seem to reject most things in their past live and are determined to do things differently moving forward. Many of these wives fantasize about a time when he will finally come to his senses and the mid life crisis will end so that they can reconcile.

But when this day finally comes, the resolution isn’t always as easy as was hoped. The wife can have serious doubts that the husband’s desire for a reconciliation is actually genuine. After all, it was only a little while ago that he felt his wife and his marriage were no longer what he wanted. In fact, he didn’t want this stability and obligation. He wanted to be free and live a more exciting life.

A wife might say: “I want to be clear that I am so relieved that my husband’s mid life crisis appears to be over. I have been living in hell for the past several months. One day, my husband woke up and said that he could not live another day in drudgery. His new mantra seemed to be that ‘life is short’ and so he only wanted to live a carefree lifestyle doing only what appealed to him. His outlook was if it’s not fun and selfish, then I’m not going to do it. Because of this, he told me that he wanted to separate and focus on himself for a while. He bought a new car, moved into the city center, and quit his job. He now only takes on work that he wants to do. He did make an effort to see our kids, but he cut his ties to me. Recently, he called me crying and he said that he made a huge mistake. He said that he feels lonely instead of free. He asked if I had it in my heart to see him some. We have met several times and he does appear to have genuine remorse. He does appear to be his old self. The other day, he asked me if I would one day consideration a reconciliation. This is what I’ve wanted for a long time, but when I actually think about this, I have some hesitations. I know my husband probably saw other women while we were separated. So I find it hard to believe that he suddenly wants to go back to the life he called boring when it appears he had a life that was much more suitable to him. And I am afraid that shortly after we reconcile, he’s going to be unhappy again. I also worry that I will be overly accommodating because of my fear.”

This wife’s comments echoes what I hear from many. This reversal can be very difficult to wrap your head around. One minute he’s rejecting you and everything you represent and the next minute he’s telling you that he wants it all back. Of course you have your doubts.

But, I can tell you that many men who have mid life crises come out of it. Think about how many men you know who have gone through this. Now, think about how many of them are still going through it five years later. Not many, right? They tend to have a very dramatic change and then many of them come to realize that they acted too radically. Many of them see that the “new” life isn’t as gratifying as they had hoped. It is not uncommon for them to realize that they have made a mistake.

From what I observe (and I am no expert, to be sure) it appears to me that the doubts and insecurities cause more problems when a reconciliation is attempted than the mid life crisis itself, especially when it is the husband who initiated or wanted the reconciliation.

Think about it this way. Why would he tell you that he wanted his old life back if he doesn’t? Why would he lie when he has the life he thought he wanted? There would be no incentive for him to lie. If he really wanted the new, carefree lifestyle, all he would have to do would be to keep living it.

Assuming he’s telling the truth and wants the marriage back, then it makes sense to ask yourself if this is what you want also. If it is, then the next step would be to try to manage your fears and doubts. They are normal and we all experience them. But you don’t want to let them take away what you truly want.

I think it helps to ask yourself if your husband had any legitimate complaints before things deteriorated. If he did, fix them. There are ways to make your marriage and your life a little more exciting without going over the top. Honestly, these sort of changes can benefit both people. Finally, I see a lot of people try to change who they really are because of this. They feel that they have to overcompensate and turn into an adventurous risk taker just to make their husband happy.

Not only will this not feel genuine, but often, your husband is telling you that this isn’t really what he wants. He’s already tried that and determined that he prefers the stability of a loving and long term relationship, so there’s often little to gain be pretending to be what you’re not. Plus, in doing so, you’re giving away a bit of yourself, which has no benefit either.

Any reconciliation following a separation has its own challenges.  But if this is what you really want, try not to let the doubts carry you away.  Try to wait and see what happens before assuming the worst.  You want to give yourself the best chance, so having a hopeful attitude is better than waiting for the worst to happen.  I didn’t always understand this during my own separation.  But I did come to learn it the hard way. There’s more about what contributed most to the separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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