Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I often get requests for tips on how to write a very effective letter meant to convince a husband that the marriage is worth saving and can be rescued if both parties work together to make this happen. Many wives want to go with the letter route because they feel that their husband is just not listening to their spoken words anymore. Sometimes, it’s easier to say what you really feel via the written word when you don’t have to look at your husband’s facial expressions or risk him interrupting or correcting you.

In short, many people don’t feel as vulnerable when they communicate such personal feelings through a letter rather than a face-to-face conversation. I do understand this, but I have to tell you that while a well-crafted letter might buy some time or give you an “in” to start the process, it will never take the place of your actions.

Sure, the letter can make your husband more receptive to saving the marriage. But if you don’t follow it up with real action and real change, you will be right back where you started. Still, the right letter can give you a starting point and can be the first step in saving your marriage. So, in the following article, I will discuss some specifics about crafting the most effective letter meant to convince your husband to willingly work with you to save the marriage.

Whatever You Do, Do Not Focus On The Negative Too Much: Many women are in a bad emotional place when they sit down to write. And they will dwell on how much this hurts them and how they can’t even imagine what they will do if the marriage ends. Sometimes, they will even go into how, if the husband would just do one thing or another, things might be OK. And, it might feel really good to get all of this off of your chest. But, if at the end of the reading your husband feels negative emotions like sadness, guilt, or sorrow, then you really haven’t accomplished the true intention of the letter.

Your real goal is to elicit and bring about positive emotions. You want him to be smiling at the end of the letter. You want him focused on positive memories and things you marriage has going for it. You don’t want to dwell on your fear and your frustration. You want for him to remember how happy you used to be and to suspect that, with the right changes in the coming days, you can have this again.

Lay Out How You Are Going To Get The Result That You Both Want: While bringing up happy memories and loving feelings are nice, this really doesn’t address how and why you are going to be able to turn this thing around. You don’t want to come off like you’re only dwelling on pie in the sky promises that aren’t rooted firmly in reality.

You must understand that when your marriage is on the line, it’s often because your spouse seriously doubts that things are going to change enough so that you can both be happy and as connected as you used to be. So, one of the serious obstacles in your way is his assumption that the status quo is never going to change.

It’s definitely in your best interest to address this by outlining some of the changes you plan to make and some of the new things that you’re going to implement. Here’s a hint. Men will usually react to the insinuation that you want and plan to bring more intimacy and to incorporate more activities that you both used to enjoy into the relationship. Also, people are going to respond more positively when you help them to feel better and more positive about themselves. Always keep this in mind. You want to convey that you understand and empathize with your husband and you want to help him to get what he wants. You are much better off focusing on how you’re going to help him more forward rather than making him feel stuck, hopeless, selfish, or mistaken.

You Must Follow Up On Every Promise That You Make. Chose Your Words Carefully: You have to be very careful that you don’t just write out empty words that are only meant to get a response. He absolutely will notice and remember this and then he will pull even further away as the result. You must be prepared to promptly follow up on everything that you say. After all, the letter is going to open the door for you. But in order to really save your marriage, you must remember that it’s your actions that bring about real change and real results.

Empty promises will only work for so long. And if you get in the habit of giving them, eventually your husband gets into the habit of tuning you out and not believing what you say.

Remind Yourself Of The True Goal And Edit If You Need To: Take a deep breath and write what is in your heart but EDIT carefully.  Remember the goal of this letter – to get an “in” with your husband. You are only trying to open the door so you can then take action. It can be very tempting to just dump your emotions into this letter in search of some sort of relief.  But that isn’t your goal.  You can write in your journal for this type of relief. Do not allow any desperation to bleed into this letter.  Do not go overboard on the negativity. And remember to focus on RESULTS and not on despair.  Early brainstorming and first drafts may be heavy on all of these things.  That is why it is important to edit.

I wrote my own “save my marriage letter” when I was trying to get my husband to see things my way. Unfortunately, I did not follow it up with the appropriate action. So my husband started tuning me out. As a result, I thought my marriage was truly at its end. We had seemingly tried everything – from counseling to trips to a trial separation. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing and to give a little more. This eventually worked. You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/