Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of us struggle greatly in the beginning of our marital separation. Understandably, we are very distraught and we tend to live in our own world.  Or we might mope around our newly-quiet house, and isolate ourselves from those that care about us. This behavior is understandable. We are hurting. This “new normal” is a struggle. After a while, though, some of us get tired of living in this isolated way. It can take quite some time, but it can be normal to realize that your sitting and moping around isn’t changing or helping anything in terms of your marriage. So you vow to get out there and enjoy life again.

One way that people will try to do this is to create a bucket list. They’ll tell themselves that they are going to take advantage of this additional time on their hands and live their life. And frankly, this new realization can feel good. It can feel like you’re a flower finally popping your head out of the ground after a very long drought. But you might find that not all of your friends and family understands this. And because of the scrutiny, you may start to wonder if this is a good idea.

Someone might show this type of concern: “Honestly, I have put my life on hold for the last six months while my husband is trying to ‘find himself’ and ‘have his space.’ For the first several weeks, I did nothing but wait by the phone. Then, I tried to engage him and get him to meet with or talk to me regularly. He will sometimes go along with this, but other times he pulls back. I used to be someone who enjoyed life and lived it to its fullest, but during my separation, I became borderline-depressed. Some friends at work decided to go skydiving and begged me to come along. I did not want to come. But I could think of no good excuse. So I went. And I honestly have to say that this was the most fun that I’ve had in a while. It was honestly a blast and I was so invigorated and happy. I would like to do more of these types of things. I would like to do some traveling and maybe try new things. The problem is that some of my friends are telling me that this is a bad idea. They say that creating this ‘bucket list’ of mine is like giving up on my marriage. They say that my husband might think that I’ve gone crazy. Are they right?”

I guess it would depend on what’s on the bucket list. So long as you aren’t including getting involved with other men or destructive behavior and you are clear that you are still invested in your marriage while waiting, then I do not see the harm. I understand exactly how you feel because I too got tired of putting my life on hold during my separation. I lived this way for a very long time and I was VERY committed to saving my marriage. But even I got tired of being so lonely and depressed.

I did not make a bucket list per se. But I did vow to get myself out there and start living my life again. My activities were not nearly as exciting as skydiving. I took some classes about topics that had always interested me. I took up yoga and Pilates. I tried meditation. I did crafts that I could donate to the needy. I was present for friends who needed me. And yes, I made plenty of time for fun. And although I went out with friends, I was very careful that it was clear that I was not dating again. I still maintained contact with my husband. I just wasn’t waiting around.

Frankly, this shift actually benefited my marriage because I think it forced my husband to look at me (and the situation) differently. It became obvious that I was no longer moping around waiting for his call. I never, ever insinuated that I wanted to or would find someone else. And I doubt his thought process ever went there, but it was clear that I was no longer willing to be in limbo. I was never disrespectful about this. And it was always clear that, if I had my way, we would be married and happy. But I wasn’t going to put a stop to my life because of someone else’s whims.

I think that’s what’s really important – whether you make a bucket list or not – is to just start living your life. You are making a decision to not pause what you enjoy or to put off what is important to you simply because your marriage looks a little different. Frankly, we all are more than our marriage. There are other aspects of our life that we can give attention. This doesn’t mean that we don’t want our marriage. But it does mean that we want ourselves. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There’s more of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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