Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from many wives who feel like they fall dead-last on their husbands’ priority list. Understandably, some wives notice this troubling behavior, but then try to talk themselves out of their observations. Perhaps he’s just busy or distracted. Perhaps the wife is paranoid and is seeing things that aren’t there. Or maybe she expects too much. However, there often comes a breaking point where it becomes obvious that she is not overreacting, and she has to reckon with the fact that many other things (and people) in her husband’s life seem to hold a higher priority in his life.

A wife might say, “for the past several months, my husband has been putting me last. He hasn’t put me first for years. But lately, his behavior has become very neglectful. Not only does he not make me his top priority, but I am at the bottom because everyone and everything seems more important to him than me. He always makes time to listen to and do things for his coworkers, family, and friends. He even treats acquaintances better than he treats me. I have girlfriends who tell me that their husbands put their kids first. I could actually understand that, and I wouldn’t have that big of a problem with it. But I come way after the kids, and then after the tons of other people who are more important than me. It’s not just people, either. He’d rather play video games or watch TV than spend time with me. He’d rather go jogging than interact with me. I’ve actually tried to jog with him just to get some time with him, and he ran too fast and wouldn’t slow down so that I could keep up. He said that that was his only exercise for the day and he had to keep pace. He never remembers issues that are important to me. He never asks about my day. He never takes any initiative to connect with me anymore. I am not sure how this all changed, but it most certainly has. I honestly get less quality time with my husband than nearly anyone else. It’s like he makes a conscious effort to avoid just me. He seems to have no problems making time for other things and for other people. It just seems to be my company that he finds so distasteful. I will sometimes shame him into making an effort, but when he does, he’s clearly resentful and his heart isn’t in it. This makes me very worried about my marriage. If given the opportunity, I’d always make time for him. In a perfect world, he is my highest priority, but I can’t really make this happen because he always finds a way to thwart my attempts to get close to him. Every once in awhile, he will surprise me and act sweet toward me. But it’s honestly extremely rare. For the most part, I’m just not a high priority for him. Not only am I not first, but I’m last.”

Being A Low Priority Is A Valid Concern: I think that you are correct to worry about this. When my marriage began to decline, I tried to convince myself that I was only overreacting or allowing paranoia to cloud my thinking. But I was wrong about this because I ended up separated. If you do not address the decay of your marriage, that same marriage may erode to the point of no return. You never want to allow that to happen if you can help it.

How To Get Around His Avoidance: Now, I know what you might be thinking, “I get what you are saying, and I want to improve my marriage. But it takes two. How am I going to transform my marriage when I’m not a priority to him?”

You’re going to have to change your approach. Please read this with an open mind. I am fully aware that if I had read my own words when my husband and I were disconnected, I would have rolled my eyes and I would have assumed that whoever wrote these words did not understand my marriage. I promise you that I do understand. My marriage was nearly over until I was finally able to save it. And I’m trying to help you get what you want. So hear me out.

When you are caught in this lopsided dynamic, it is very likely that you begin to speak in various ways to try to get more of your husband’s attention. Of course you want more of his time and care. You’ve been neglected and relegated to the bottom of the list. So sure, you’re going to speak louder, or in a more dramatic fashion, to be heard.

Unfortunately, though, husband’s in this lopsided dynamic see this as nagging or as being overly dramatic. So do you know what happens? This only reinforces his desire to keep you at a distance. And he’ll use other people (or other things) to keep you at arm’s length.

But what makes him feel closer to you so that he willingly WANTS to make you a priority? Engagement, respect, ease, and intimacy. When he respects and feels close to you, (and when the environment makes it easy to do so,) he will naturally want to make you a priority. It makes sense to examine each one of these attributes to make sure that you have them (or can get them.) Is your marriage as intimate as you can make it? And have you, to the best of your ability, tried to create a home atmosphere that is laid back and as free of stress and tension as you can make it?

Believe me, I am not putting all of this on you. I’m only suggesting ways that you can encourage him to make you a priority again. A man who respects his capable and independent wife in a home environment that encourages engagement and intimacy will often naturally exhibit the behaviors that you are looking for. I cannot stress how important intimacy is. A man excited about being intimate with his wife is not going to want to play video games instead.

I know that none of this is easy. Evaluating and then making sure you have all of these attributes is a process that is going to take patience and diligence. But it is better than feeling ignored by the most important person in your life.

How To Keep His Engagement Going Once You Have It: Once you have made progress and he’s more attentive and has placed you at a higher priority, you’ll need to make sure that you don’t drift back into old patterns. It’s very important that you maintain your own sense of identity and don’t depend on your husband to be your sole source of emotional support. I had to learn that this is what my girlfriends are for. Yes, I want my husband to put me first when it comes to romance and intimacy. But if I depend on him for all my emotional needs, he’s going to feel pressured at these demands, and he’s going to distance himself again.

I have come to believe that couples need their own individual interests. It’s fine for a husband to play video games or to go out with friends, as long as he doesn’t exclude his wife and makes time for her. If you support his outside interests and develop your own, he’s going to be more than likely to give you his undivided attention when you are together.

Don’t panic and don’t assume the worst. You can fix this if you focus on strengthening the things that can be right in your marriage. It’s not hopeless. I was able to turn it around even during a nasty separation that seemed endless. You can read that whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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