Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives reluctantly agree to a trial separation because they fear that it is the only way to help their marriage. Their husband has made it clear that if the wife doesn’t grant a trial separation or break, he will distance himself or begin the process of ending the marriage anyway. In this way, the trial separation can feel like a last-ditch effort to save your marriage. So you convince yourself that maybe the separation is for the best. Maybe the distance and time apart can actually help your marriage. Most of us know someone for whom this has been the case. So we hold our breath and hope for the best. But what happens when the separation makes our marriage worse?

A wife might say, “I dreaded separating from my husband. It was my worst-case scenario. But he would not be talked out of it. And he tried to sell it by telling me that the distance would be good for us. He even said ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder.’ Well, it seems that it has not made his heart grow in any way. I had hoped that he would see that he’d been taking me for granted. I hoped that he would miss me and that we’d actually spend some quality time together since we weren’t getting quantity. But all the separation has done is make it much easier for my husband to distance himself from me and to be emotionally cold. He now can duck my calls, thwart my visits, and basically have nothing to do with me. Admittedly, I’m exaggerating a bit. We do speak on the phone or text from time to time. But he is very closed off from me. And on the rare occasions that we do speak, we fight worse than we did when we were living together. I try to avoid fighting, and I try to diffuse it when we do, but honestly, it’s a horrible situation, and I think that we are both frustrated. He seems to be enjoying his freedom. So instead of realizing that he needs me and wants me in his life, it’s as if he’s realizing that he is better off without me in his life. Instead of bringing us closer together, this separation has ripped us further apart. This trial separation has hurt us, not helped us. What now?”

Things Can Get Better When It Seems Like They Can’t Get Any Worse: Please do not panic. It is not uncommon for things to get worse before they get better. My separation went horribly in the beginning. My friends and family were sure that my marriage was over. And I admit that, in my darkest moments, I also had my doubts. I always wanted to save my marriage, but at times my husband felt very far away.

But, in time, the tide DID turn. Things DID get better. Yes, I had to find better strategies, and I had to do much better with my delivery of those strategies. But I eventually found my stride, and as my husband became gradually more receptive to me, I learned how to seize the opportunities as I received them. I built upon small triumphs until things changed.

Just because today seems bleak does not mean that next week or next month will look the same. Hang in there. Things can and do change, but you should always try to put yourself in the position to encourage this change, which leads me to my next point.

Consider Clever Ways To Encourage The Tide To Turn: One obvious strategy right now is patience. And that does sometimes work. But the downside is that patience without action can encourage a negative status quo. And there are things you can do to attempt to nudge your husband toward more desirable behavior.

The first would be to focus on positivity when you interact. If you fight or bicker when you speak to one another, then his behavior and his avoidance are only going to get worse. Eventually, you may speak with him less and less – or even not at all. Things deteriorate very quickly once you get into this cycle.

So even if you have to keep the conversation short and limited to keep it positive, it is worth the attempt. Yes, you may have to accept a more gradual approach. But you’re trying to change the tone. You’re trying to make each interaction positive and upbeat. When you are successful in doing this, the interactions should eventually become more plentiful and playful. I know this means that you may take your issues and any unpleasantly off the table for a bit, but that’s fine. You may also have to bite your tongue when you are tempted to say something negative or sarcastic. But always remember your goal. You’re just trying to change the dynamic to one where he doesn’t dread talking to you and will eventually initiate the communication and, even better, the face-to-face interactions.

Another thing to consider is how much pressure or guilt you are placing on your husband. I understand that the separation is almost intolerable to you. I have been there. But if every time your husband speaks with you, he ends up feeling guilty or bad, then he’s going to limit his contact. If every time he calls, you bring his attention to how lonely you are, or how you feel abandoned, again, he’s going to back away some to avoid feeling guilty or defensive.

I know it’s unfair to feel censored. And I’m not saying that you can never bring up your concerns. You can. But you want to wait until things are better. You want to wait until he’s open and receptive again.

Evaluate Whether You Need To Create A Sense Of Scarcity: I was always very upfront about the fact that saving my marriage was my highest priority. I eventually realized that I had to dial back the pressure. But I remained clingy and needy because I so desperately wanted any reassurance that I could get. I did not realize that this was just another form of pressure until it was nearly too late.

It wasn’t until I took a trip home and I wasn’t immediately available to my husband that I noticed a change in him.

That’s why it can make sense to ask yourself if you are too available and too clingy. You want to have your own life and your own pursuits right now so that he will respect you and see that, although you very much want to save your marriage, you can cope and get by on your own. When he sees this, there is no reason to continue to avoid you. And you are then free to begin a gradual approach of moving closer.

This Isn’t Necessarily A Lost Cause: Don’t lose faith. You do need to change the tone of the way things are going. But it’s not impossible. And once you are successful, you can begin to build. And that is when you become closer instead of further apart. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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