Leslie Cane Articles

One day, he would decide that he was going to work with her to save the marriage, but then the next day he would completely change his stance and tell her that he felt they should just go ahead and divorce. Sometimes, this change of heart would come after a fight, but sometimes, it would come seemingly out of the blue. The wife was having a hard time responding and formulating a plan because every day was different. She had no idea which husband she was going to be dealing with on any particular day.

She was looking for the best way to approach her husband’s swinging moods. Despite her frustration, she loved him very much and did not want a divorce. 

A Husband’s Changing His Mind About The Divorce Sometimes Shows That He’s Uncertain And This Provides An Opportunity: Here’s an observation that the wife was missing. As frustrating as it was that her husband was changing his mind all of the time, at least he wasn’t dead set on a divorce. The fact that he was being so “wishy-washy” as she called it, meant that he wasn’t sure that he really wanted a divorce.

I sometimes speak with women who have already been served divorce papers or who have husbands who won’t even consider saving the marriage. So, as frustrating as this situation was, it was potentially workable.

The husband’s changing his mind might have been just his reaction to the inner turmoil that he was experiencing. Because neither of them had a plan as to how to change the negative cycle that they had gotten into, and he did not know how to go about making a positive change. When he felt this deeply, he was sometimes tempted to just throw in the towel because he did not believe that anything was ever going to change.

Their negative experiences of late had convinced him that all he could expect was more of the same and the only way to really stop this once and for all was to just end it. It was important that the wife understand this because the way to get him to quit flip-flopping about the divorce was to show him that things could steadily change for the better.

Changing The Negative Cycle With No End In Sight: The wife understood that she had to change this cycle, but she had no idea where to begin. They had become stuck in a rut and she said that, depending on the mood of her husband, she could almost anticipate what was going to happen before he even opened his mouth. He pushed, she pulled. He came forward, and she retreated. And sometimes, they would change roles just to give themselves some variety.

This was going to have to change. Because as soon as the same behavior started, so too did the same results. In order to get more desirable results, they were going to have to learn more desirable behaviors. But, the wife had her doubts that these things were going to “stick.” She felt strongly that her husband was going to resist anything that she put into place. I told her that the way that she presented this to him was going to be important.

Sometimes, it’s unnecessary to spell out what you are doing. If you feel strongly that you’re going to meet with resistance, then you can begin by controlling what you can – which is yourself and your actions. You can refuse to get pulled into the same old routines and you can go into this with a positive attitude. You can remember the things and the feelings that gave you good results in the past and draw on those things.

A Different Way Of Looking At It: Sometimes, when we get into very negative ways of behaving, we forget that the two of us used to laugh, play, and interact without cringing. If you can look back objectively, you can often pinpoint the places, circumstances, and people who used to bring about the bond that looked so differently than it does today. Although you certainly can’t turn back time, you can bring back some of these positive influences in your life by changing your attitude, your circumstances, and your reactions.

I told the wife that when her husband began to engage, she might respond with something like “You know, I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided that these negative habits that we’ve fallen into only make us unhappy. We both deserve to be happy so I’m not going to participate in these behaviors anymore. We can certainly talk about it though, when we are both more calm.” At first, of course, the husband might make a combative comment in return. But, when he did, she was to remove herself from the situation and tell him that they could revisit it when they were both calm.

She was then to focus on the positive. She was to be the affectionate, happy, light-hearted person that she knew she could be. Not only would this disarm him, but eventually, it would contribute to him seeing that things could change. And, as a result of that, the old habits would be broken down. So that eventually, the talks of divorce could stop as there would be no reason for them anymore.