Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If your spouse is pushing for marital separation and you don’t want this, it is safe to say that you have many concerns about the same. There may even be a precedent in your marriage where you and your spouse talk openly about whatever concerns and issues come up.

However, when it comes to the separation, you might find him shutting you down. He may either shoot down your concerns, refuse to hear them, or dismiss them out of hand. This can leave you frustrated and wondering how to proceed.

A wife might say, “my husband is pushing to move out and separate. This idea frightens me. I realize that we are having problems, but I think that one of us leaving is very drastic. I worry that we won’t see each other enough or that my husband will act like a single person sowing his wild oats. I sometimes suspect that he is just using the separation as the first act in a planned divorce. He’s trying to ease me into breaking up without revealing his true intentions. However, anytime that I attempt to bring up any of these concerns, my husband gets frustrated. He will basically tell me that no situation is going to be a perfect solution for us, but he will not address what I’ve said. For example, if I tell him I’m worried that he’s setting me up for a divorce, he’ll merely tell me that none of us can foresee the future. How do I get him to address my concerns?”

My Reality Check: My answer may not be what you want to hear, but I had this issue also. Now that my husband and I are reconciled, he has been more honest about his behaviors during the separation. He wouldn’t listen to my concerns because he was not going to be talked out of anything. He knew that I was trying to get him to stop and think about the particulars of separating. But he did not want to because he was determined to separate anyway, even if there were risks.

So no, he didn’t want to clarify how often we would speak or meet. And he didn’t want to reassure me that everything would be okay. He didn’t know if this would be the case. He did not want to commit to anything or to make me any promises.

I know that every husband is different. But if your husband resists confronting your concerns, it is either because he doesn’t share them or because he doesn’t want to face them. This doesn’t mean that he can’t or won’t eventually change his mind, though.

Phrases That May Help: Rather than begging or demanding that your husband address your “concerns,” you might try using alternative words and phrases. Instead, ask him to clarify how he envisions things working. For example, rather than saying, “I’m worried that we won’t speak enough,” ask him, “do you have any thoughts about the frequency and types of communication?”

His response may give you a wealth of information. Here is another example. Rather than saying “I’m afraid that we will drift apart and eventually divorce,” try “how are we going to ensure that we stay close?”

In this way, you are not bombarding him with your concerns, you are asking him to collaborate with you. This is setting you up to work together, which you are going to need anyway in the weeks to come. And your husband is much more likely to respond positively to this stance.

Don’t Assume The Worst: I know that it may be disheartening to realize that he won’t hear your concerns because it’s possible that he wants to move forward with the separation. But this doesn’t mean that he will not change his mind later. My own husband basically refused to discuss undesirable topics during talks of our own separation. But after some time had passed, he was willing to negotiate a reconciliation.

Separated men can and do change their minds. They often want to see how space and the time away will make them feel. They don’t want anything to discourage this process. But once the process is over, they may realize that they are ready to move forward. Or they may see that they were wrong in their assumptions. Your husband may think that he is going to be happier living without you. But he may find that the opposite is true. Then you may see a change in attitude.

What Are You Supposed To Do In The Meantime?: In my experience, it’s best to turn a time of uncertainty into a time of transformation. You can’t control your husband’s reluctance to communicate. And continuing to debate may frustrate you both. But you can control yourself. You can monitor your own thoughts and actions. Tackle your own issues. Maintain positive communication with your husband. Sometimes, things don’t turn out as badly as you feared, even if you never get your concerns addressed. Whatever you can do to remain positive will help.

As tempting as it might be to want clarity immediately, pushing for it can make things worse. Allow time to be on your side. Have quiet confidence that your husband loves you, that your marriage is worth saving, and that you belong together. The rest may eventually take care of itself. You may well need to sort out your issues when you are on solid ground again. But don’t attempt that until things stabilize between you.

I know that this process can be frustrating, but try not to fear the worst. He may not want to hear about your concerns now, but that can change. And when it does, you will be in a good position because you did not continuously debate with him. You will have positioned yourself as his collaborator rather than his adversary.

As I alluded to, I had to eventually use this strategy with my own husband, but it took me far too long to embrace it.  Once I changed my stance, things changed for the better.  The rest of that story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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