Leslie Cane Articles

Here’s what’s typical in this situation.  A spouse might say, “I will not pretend that I have the perfect marriage because I don’t.  I also can’t pretend that we’ve been blissfully happy because this isn’t exactly true.  My husband has had what I think is a midlife crisis.  He’s miserable about everything.  However, we usually weather these types of storms.  Frankly, we have a nice life.  We have great kids, jobs we enjoy, supportive extended family, and we live in a wonderful community with many friends.  Sure, we’re not madly in love like we were ten years ago, but I still love him.  I still want to be with him.  Apparently, the feeling isn’t mutual because last night, he announced that he had something serious to discuss.  I thought he would tell me he lost his job since his company has been going through a difficult transition.  Instead, he told me he didn’t love me anymore.  He seemed very firm about it, but I could tell that it hurt him to deliver this news.  I asked him what he planned to do and he said he didn’t know.  But he stated that it wasn’t fair to either of us to stay together without love.  I am so confused.  Just two weeks ago, he’d mentioned us going away without the kids.  He hasn’t been overly affectionate lately, but he hasn’t ignored me either.  What’s really going on here because this seems to have come out of the blue.  How can he just not love me with the snap of his fingers?  This seems very sudden.”

I’m sorry that you are going through this.  I know that it hurts.  I was separated from my husband for a while for the same reason – his feelings for me had changed.  Although he was never as blunt as to come out and say “I don’t love you,” he hinted at it.  He’d make vague comments like “I don’t feel the same way,” – which was still pretty devastating.

This May Be Less Sudden Than You Think.  In my observation and experience, when a person finally gets up the nerve and the gumption to proclaim they don’t love you, they’ve been stewing over it for a while.  In fact, they may have wanted to tell you several times before, but stopped short.  Sometimes, they convince themselves that they might be wrong, so they wait to see if things will improve.  When they don’t, they go ahead and speak up.  I know that it may seem sudden, but saying he doesn’t love you is a huge proclamation.  Most people don’t make it until they’ve thought long and hard.  I’m not saying that any delay makes it true. I am just saying that – perhaps due to the midlife crisis- he has convinced himself that it is true.

He Wants To Send A Direct, Clear Message:  I always find the “I don’t love you anymore” proclamations to be particularly scary.  Because it seems as if he wants to make sure you don’t misunderstand him.  He isn’t saying “it’s possible” that he doesn’t love you.  Or he “thinks” he may not love you.  He’s flat out telling you he doesn’t.  This implies that he wants you to think that there is no wiggle room.  It may also imply that he doesn’t want to give you mixed signals.

Does This Mean That Things Are Hopeless? Absolutely not.  Just because he thinks he doesn’t love you doesn’t make it true or mean that it cannot change.  Men in the middle of a midlife crisis convince themselves of many untruths.  They often link their restlessness with the idea that your marriage isn’t right or the notion that they’ve lost feelings for you.  Sometimes, neither is true.  But it can be easier to blame your disappointments on someone (or something) else.

What this means right for you is that at least right this second, he has convinced himself that the love is gone and he’s thought about it for long enough he doesn’t expect to change his mind.  That doesn’t mean he won’t.  That doesn’t mean you can’t make changes and improvements that might show him he’s wrong.

However, it DOES mean that you may have your work cut out for you.  This is a different situation from a husband who says “things aren’t great right now and I’m not happy, but I hope that we can work on our marriage and fix it.”  The husband who is unsure or who hopes to work things out differs from the husband who directly proclaims not to love you.  This situation is not impossible, but it requires patience and a deliberate plan.

Working Around His Claims:  The worst thing you can do is to tell your husband he’s wrong or to insist that this is his midlife crisis talking.  He will simply say he knows how he feels and what he wants.  So don’t put him on the defensive by debating with him.  Just try to buy yourself some time.  Offer to allow him to sleep in a separate bedroom.  Tell him you can give him some space.  Try not to concede to him moving out, but if moving out is an alternative to divorce, sometimes there isn’t a choice.

The immediate goal is to stay on good terms so that when he gains some perspective (as men with midlife crises eventually do,) you are right there and waiting.  That way, you are in a position to rebuild your marriage and to re-ignite his feelings for you.

What’s Truly Happening Here And What To Do About It. What’s at play is that he’s in a crisis of the soul and he’s trying to sort out his life.  For now, he feels somewhat certain that you or your marriage might be the problem.  He’s choosing to speak bluntly because he thinks his mind is made up.  He doesn’t want to debate about it (which is why you shouldn’t argue.)

So now the work begins.  The first step is to maintain access to him.  This may mean giving him more space and keeping a positive attitude. In the meantime, wait for the fog to pass and fix what you can.  Ask yourself what he sees as the most problematic issues in your marriage.  Take care of and work on yourself so you are coming from a place of strength. Do not panic. Prepare to wait him out and to show (rather than tell) him that he is wrong.  You show him by making the changes that demonstrate that not only are you not the problem, but that your marriage is actually the calm in the storm. You’re welcome to read about how I saved my own marriage in a very similar situation at http://isavedmymarriage.com