Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of emails asking for tips on coping when your husband has left but you still love him and want him back. It can be very painful and just feel odd when you’re on your own and feel like part of you is missing. It can also be worse when there is an unknown of how it is going to turn out. If you know that you were going to be without him for the long haul, then you could begin to adjust and heal, but if you doubt or hope that it might now be over, then you are sort of in limbo and this can prolong the pain. There is no doubt that this is a difficult time but you can and will get through it and luckily, the best way to get through it is often the most effective way to get him back if this is what you want. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Understanding That It’s Easier To Swim With The Tide Than Against It: Often it feels so weird and foreign for him not to be there, that we immediately go into a panic. We feel that we must solve this situation immediately or that we can perhaps kiss him goodbye forever. You must understand that you didn’t get to this place overnight and so it is likely not going to be completely resolved overnight. And, to be honest, you probably are better off giving this process time to run its full course. Allowing him to miss you and miss your home is really in your best interest because this will contribute to your having his full cooperation in working things out.

I know that it feels tempting to try to argue, manipulate, or guilt your way into making him come home. And, while these things may yield small victories, you’ll often find that he’s either resentful, noncommittal, or unsure if you go about getting him back home this way.

You are far better off initially making the points that you want him to know (you want him to be happy, you love him, you will miss him but you want to comply with the space that he has asked for, and that you are going to use the time for your benefit as well) and then backing off. This is a time when you should just sort of go where this takes you. You’re better off letting him lead you than chasing him. I know that this advice sounds risky. I know that you are probably worried that if you let him take the lead, he’s not going to do it. But, this is really the only way to ensure that you know that this is what he really wants. And, the silence, distance and time will often intensify his positive feelings, especially if you don’t disturb this process by appearing overbearing, needy, or manipulative.

Making Sure He Sees You As The Strong, Confident, Busy Woman That You Are: To be very honest, the best thing that you can do right now is to keep yourself so busy that you will have a hard time stopping too long to dwell or feel devastated. Focus on your friends, your work, and those things that make you happy. Take very good care of yourself. Handle this with quiet confidence and grace. You don’t want him to see that you’re not capable of going it alone or that you don’t enjoy your own company enough to have a bearable time right now.

I know that it’s so tempting to put on that tattered robe, eat pizza straight out of the box, and take the phone off of the hook, but this is only going to take you to lonely dark places and weaken you. And, you do not want to be in a weakened state when you see or talk to him. You want the way that you’ve been spending your time (in a productive way) to show on your face. You want for him to know that you are capable of interacting with your friends, getting things done on your own, and exploring your own interests.

Strengthening Yourself: In truth, the best thing that you can do right now is to strengthen yourself. How you accomplish this is going to be different for everyone. Some people will focus on their appearance. Some will take a class or start a project. Whatever you need to do to engage yourself, keep yourself busy, and experience some pleasure, it is certainly worth the effort. It certainly doesn’t hurt to let your very busy life leak to him. A woman who is coping and confident is going to appear so much more attractive as someone who is holed in and moping.

Now, some people will take this too far. They think the goal is to be distant and aloof. It isn’t. You still want to be the laid back, fun, and happy go lucky person that he fell in love with. You want to be open and approachable, but you want to balance this with the fact that you certainly on not sitting at home waiting on his whims. This process might take some time, which is why it’s important that you be comfortable and happy where you are. Restoring his attention might well take some time. There are instances when you might never have the exact same relationship. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try though.

And becoming the best version of yourself is a healthy option for you whether you get him back or not. Being at your best will allow you to create a healthier relationship with him, with yourself, or with whoever else comes along. Understand that this is just a speed hump. What’s happening today may change tomorrow, but so long as you’re moving forward in a healthy way, you can truly handle whatever comes your way.

When I was trying to get my husband back, I made many of the mistakes discussed in this article. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.