Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives (and the friends and family that love them) have no idea which of her behaviors contributed to the separation. Often, even the husband himself will admit that the wife was basically above reproach. When the wife knows that she did nothing wrong and truly feels that she was a decent, loving, and loyal spouse, where does this leave her? And why would someone want to separate from a spouse like this?

A wife might say, “I don’t want to brag on myself. Doing so makes me quite uncomfortable. But everyone says that I’m a great wife. I can’t think of anything that I’ve ever done to offend my husband or to make him truly angry. I never wronged him in any serious way. I always put his needs ahead of mine. We never really argued. But a couple of months back, I started to notice that my husband seemed restless. He insisted that we take an extended vacation to try to spice things up. This was difficult for me to accomplish, but I did. Still, the vacation probably wasn’t as relaxed or carefree as my husband might have liked, so again, he was dissatisfied. Lately, it seems as if my husband would like to have a life with very little responsibility and drama, but unfortunately, this is not my reality. I have a job, aging parents, and kids who depend on me. I still tried to make the vacation work, though. I still always try to put my husband first. But I guess it doesn’t matter because he still is living somewhere else and he calls us separated. I feel like all of this is somewhat unfair. I’ve always tried to do everything right and it was not good enough. Some of my friends are in the same boat. Why do men leave good, faithful, loving wives?”

They Look At Places Besides Themselves To Address Their Problems: The reasons that husbands will give you for the separation will vary. Most other people will tell you that the men are going through a typical midlife crisis, but I’m not sure that this explains everything. Some men become dissatisfied with their lives and they incorrectly identify the problem. They begin to think that perhaps it is their wife or their marriage that is to blame.  It is just human nature to not want to look at yourself as the cause.

They Take Your Generosity And Loving Spirit For Granted: Another thing that I see frequently happens is that the husband takes the wife for granted precisely because she’s so loyal and loving. Those attributes which should be prized and appreciated actually begin to work against her because she’s so reliable that he begins to think that she will always be there no matter what he does.

They Think That Deserve Complete Happiness Right This Second: Often, men suspect that they should give themselves the opportunity to see if the grass is greener somewhere else. They will tell themselves that life is too short not to be as happy as they can possibly be. Some of these husbands find out later that they were actually happier at home. But of course, by then, the damage has already been done.

It’s Not You.  It’s The Issues: Finally, even marriages with great, outstanding spouses can have problems and issues. I like to think that both my husband and myself were considerate and loving spouses and yet, there was a time when we were separated because we’d allowed a distance and a decay in our marriage that sort of caused us to turn on one another and to lose our intimacy. This wasn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. It can be extremely difficult to juggle the priorities that life presents to us and still keep our marriage as fresh as it should be.

I know that none of these reasons helps you right now. It can be very difficult when you can’t control what your spouse thinks, feels, or does. It is a very helpless feeling. It’s very hard not to take it personally. After a lot of frustration with this during my own separation, I learned to stop trying to control anyone but myself. I had no choice but to place my focus on myself. At first, it felt selfish and odd. Like you, I’d always put others first. But when you make yourself a priority, you are teaching other people how to treat you. I found that I tended to get a lot more respect that way. This actually improved my marriage because I became more assertive and I learned to ask for what I wanted. I also did not allow myself to be taken for granted as much.

The good news is that many husbands do eventually come to realize your value and they realize that they are no happier without you. Often, the time away eventually gives them a different perspective on you and on your marriage. But that doesn’t make the uncertainty of the separation any easier. Still, take pride in the fact that you did nothing wrong and can be proud of your behavior in your marriage. Not everyone can say this. I totally believe in karma, so if it’s any consolation, your loving behavior should eventually be rewarded, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. In the meantime, it helps to try to deal with your husband in an upbeat and positive way. This helps to keep communication open and in some cases, it increases the chances of a reconciliation.  You can read more about how I brought about my own reconciliation at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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