Leslie Cane Articles

Many separated wives are torn about the status of their separation. On the one hand, they know that they have much to be grateful for, since they regularly see and communicate with their separated husband.  Better still, the communications are positive and cordial. So, things could be worse. But things could also be better – since despite the positive communications between the couple, the husband insists that he doesn’t want to get back together.

A wife might say, “I know that I’m going to sound as if I am complaining. I know that things could be much worse. My husband and I have been separated for around seven weeks. From the very beginning, we spoke every day. We see each other several times per week. Honestly, we are getting along much better than we did when we were living together. We go to dinner often. Sometimes, my husband spends weekends here. To me, it seems as if we are hitting our stride again as a couple. So I assumed that we would be getting back together. But when I ask my husband about this, he says that he doesn’t want to get back together right now. He says that things are perfectly fine as they are. He says that he doesn’t understand why we would force anything. Well, I’ll tell you why. I want my life back. I want to know that I still have my marriage and my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that things are going well for us. But why continue to live separately when we don’t have to? I don’t understand and now I worry that we will never reconcile.”

I understand your worry, but in my experience, it is better to take the progress that easily comes than to push for the progress that your husband isn’t ready to give. During my own separation, every time that I pushed my husband for more, it was a mistake that I deeply regretted because it harmed the hard-fought progress that we had made. Because of this, I eventually settled for a more gradual pace, but not before I’d done real damage to my reconciliation efforts. If I had to do it over again today, I would have accepted the small victories and not rushed. This might have meant an earlier reconciliation and a lot less wasted time.  Because the more I pushed, the more my husband pulled. And the more he distanced himself.

Reasons Why Separated Husbands Aren’t In A Rush To Reconcile: There are many reasons why your husband may not be in a rush to reconcile, and they don’t necessarily reflect his feelings for you or for your marriage. People can hesitate to rush into a reconciliation (even when things are going very well) because they are afraid to mess things up. Some people want to make sure that they’ve rebuilt a very strong foundation to avoid a failed reconciliation attempt. Very few people want to go through a separation more than once. So, as frustrating as it can be, it can be normal for your husband to want to slow down a little to make sure that he can trust in the progress that you are seeing. Some people sort of wonder what is the rush when things are going so well? (Of course, you’re likely wondering why, if things are going so well, is there a hold up?) I understand this, but also know first hand the danger in pushing and in rushing.

I know that it is hard to accept less than what you truly want. I know that it is scary to face the prospect of remaining separated for a little while longer. But, from my experience, if your spouse is regularly communicating with you and things are going well, then it is better to hang onto this than to push for more before your spouse is ready and then to have him pull away. Because once that happens, you potentially lose what you’ve gained. And that just isn’t worth it, since it can be hard to build back up again.

Knowing what I know now, in your situation, I would hang tight with what I have. I’d back off on the reconciliation talk if your husband isn’t receptive. I would continue to enjoy the regular communication that you have now and I would try to build upon that. Once you take the pressure off of the situation, he may become a little more receptive much more quickly. I know that you may have to actively force yourself to do this. It does not come naturally to most of us. But I promise, it feels better than having your husband go silent on you or start to avoid you because he gets tired of you pressuring him. It feels awful to lose the contact that you had and it is torture while you are waiting to get it back. In my humble opinion, it’s so much preferable to hang onto to the hard-fought progress that you already have.

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how my gradual approach helped me to save my marriage at my blog:  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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