Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated or facing a separation, you may ponder the level of love between you and your  spouse. You may wonder what level of love your spouse has for you when his words make it seem as if he thinks that the love is one sided. An example is when your separated or estranged spouse describes you as “the lucky one” in the marriage while insinuating that he doesn’t feel fortunate at all.

A wife might say: “my husband and I are not yet separated, but if I’m being honest, I feel that we are on the verge of a separation. My husband is always lamenting about how unhappy he is and he will mention living on his own or taking a break. Last night, we were talking about our lives before marriage and he commented that I was ‘the lucky one’ because my life improved substantially by marrying him. My parents are not affluent and I do not have a huge amount of higher education. So my husband thinks that by marrying him, I greatly improved my social standing more than I would have if I’d gone to college for several years and tried to stand on my own. My response was ‘well, I’d like to think that you’re lucky too because I changed your life also.’ By this I meant that although I did not improve my husband’s social standing, I brought love and stability into his life. In response, he just starred at me. He never agreed or disagreed, but his remarks lately lead me to believe that he thinks that any other woman could have brought stability into his life and that he chose badly with me. It hurts me and it makes me think that if we do separate, he won’t miss me in the way that I miss him. It is painful to think that you love your spouse more than he loves you. And I don’t know how to change this when he considers me lucky and seems to consider himself unlucky.”

I am not sure that you want to take your husband’s words at face value right now. When men get in this sort of funk where everything in their life is just not cutting it, they aren’t likely to see their marriage, or your place in it, objectively. They can start to believe that they might be happier apart, but sometimes, when they take some space or time, they get a new perspective and realize that they are far luckier than they thought.

Rather than trying to brag on yourself or debate your worth to him, I think that you are better off just remaining neutral and allowing him to see this for himself. You might try something short and straightforward like: “well, I’d like to think that your value to me isn’t measured in terms of social or monetary status. I would also like like to think that my value to you is emotional and personal. It can’t be seen, but it can be deeply felt and it will hopefully be valued in the future. I certainly don’t measure your worth to me in anything but emotional terms. I do feel ‘lucky,’ but not because of what I gained financially, but because of what I gained emotionally.”

If after this conversation, you can give him a little space so that he doesn’t need to move out, that would be ideal. And by space I mean maybe you stay to your own part of the house for a while and allow him to do whatever thinking he needs to do without debate.

Often, when a husband gets this type of space for an extended period of time, he sees it for what it often is – loneliness. He often sees that the grass is not always greener and that your value is not always tangible and can not always be measured by what you can see and hold. Instead, it is the color and texture you bring to his life by being uniquely you. Sometimes, he needs some distance from you in order to be able to see this clearly.

I am not sure if he’s agreeable to counseling, but if he is, it might be helpful because it could show him that keeping score in this way is not beneficial. It also might uncover why he’s feeling resentment about what he perceives you gained out of your marriage. Outside of that, if you can think of, uncover, or fathom any reason why he might feel slighted, by all means address and remove whatever the issue is so that he might begin to change his negative perception. If that doesn’t work, have patience while he’s given a little time and space to work out whatever is bothering him. Be supportive, but not overbearing. If you present yourself above reproach and show yourself to be a supportive, patient, and caring spouse, he may come to his senses and see that he is indeed just as lucky as you are.

I believe my husband probably had similar perceptions before and during our own separation. Luckily, in time, I was able help him see see that his life was better with me in it.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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