Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for me to hear from people who literally feel their romantic view of their spouse starting to wane. To some extent, this is somewhat normal and expected. So many things in our lives compete for our attention that martial romantic feelings need to be actively nurtured in order to thrive.

What is a little more rare is to hear from the person who insists that they have absolutely no romantic feelings whatsoever for their spouse. This is often a change from what they felt early in their marriage. Someone might explain: “I really hate to say this. But I am going to say it because it is true. I do not have romantic feelings for my husband. I have suspected this for a time, but last night, I realized that I was 100% sure of it. I went and saw a romantic comedy with my best friend and the heroine in the movie was so desperately in love. The couple spent the entire movie attempting to move heaven and earth just to be together. Honestly, it has been a very long time since I felt that way about my husband. I told my friend this fact and I honestly expected her to tell me that she felt the same way in her marriage, but she didn’t. She said that she got to a point where she felt that way in her first marriage, but then assured me that in her second marriage, she feels completely different. She said that she was not emotionally suited to her first husband, but she is suited to her second husband – which has apparently ensured an endless amount of romantic feelings. It’s very confusing to me because I really don’t have much interest in finding a second husband. If I divorce, I just don’t want to be married again – only to feel empty and disappointed later. The thing is, I am fully aware that my husband is a great guy. He truly is. I have affection for him. If he was sick, I would be beside myself worrying about him. I want the best for him and I do enjoy spending time with him. We’re great companions. But I don’t feel that heart-racing, pulse-pounding feeling that people who are experiencing romantic love feel. And that makes me feel as if I am missing out on something. At the same time, perhaps I am just not capable of that. I’ve never been someone who goes overboard emotionally. I am very reserved. But I worry that this lack of romantic love means the end of my marriage.”

I absolutely understand the concern. And I also understand why you feel sort of alone in this. The media loves to perpetuate the fantasy ideal of giddy, romantic love that few of us see for a long period of time in our own lives. That’s why we go to movies or read books about the same. We want it, but so few of us have it – at least that is what we have been lead to believe. It’s sort of the same reason we guiltily watch celebrities on reality TV. We want to see the ideal – because we don’t think that we can ever have it.

My Perceptions About Romantic Love: Here is what I have come to believe. And although my beliefs are my own, they are hard-won because they can only after I nearly lost my own marriage, in part because of unrealistic idealizations and perceptions. To me, real, romantic love means hanging in there and staying put even when things aren’t ideal. It means that you are in a committed relationship with a high quality person whom you genuinely care for and are compatible with.  If those criteria are met, you fight for the romantic love, because in my experience, it can most definitely come back.

For the most part, it leaves because of familiarity and a bit of neglect. It’s why newlyweds in first marriages and people in their second marriages have stars in their eyes – it’s all still so fresh and new. Their undivided attention is still on it. Their eyes are still on the prize. But few people can keep up that type of intensity forever. And so eventually, their mind wanders to things like their children, their job, their aging parents, and their own interests.

Of course, the light is going to fade somewhat over the course of many years. To keep things fresh and to keep the perception somewhat new, you truly do have to fight to keep your marriage in the forefront. This doesn’t magically happen on its own no matter how passionately you initially love your spouse or how committed you are to them. People who love each other very, very much lose their way sometimes. But if you care for and admire your husband, then it’s certainly worth trying to get the feelings back. I’m proof that it’s possible, although I have learned that it is a loosing game to compare yourself to other couples – and especially to popular media. The marriage that works for you and makes you happy is the marriage that you want, not an unrealistic ideal that is only meant to sell movie tickets. Real life doesn’t work like the movies. But that doesn’t mean that the trenches can’t be just as sweet. There is something very sweet about holding hands and standing together, even when the going gets tough.

There’s more about how my husband and I got the romantic love back – even after our separation – on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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