Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Believe it or not, there aren’t any hard and fast rules of etiquette when you are separated. I don’t know of any guide or rule book. Most people sort of just feel their way and hopefully, try to approach the situation with humility, grace, and kindness. I sometimes get asked if specific situations or behaviors during a separation are “right” or “wrong.” One such example is dating your spouse while you are technically separated. People often wonder if this crosses some sort of imaginary line, is cruel, or is just confusing and hurtful to all involved.

Here’s a conversation you might hear: “I am the one who pulled the trigger on my separation, but that is mainly because I got so tired of hearing my husband always complain about how unhappy he was. I tried to make adjustments so that he wouldn’t be so miserable, but nothing worked. He kept right on complaining and so I called his bluff. And told him, fine, let’s separate then. He actually moved out, which surprised me. But in the end, I went along with it because I was curious to see what our experiences might be like. I wanted to see if we would miss one another or if one or both of us would be happier alone. I don’t think that I want a divorce, but I’m not entirely sure about that. Because I don’t want to continue on with the marriage that I have. It brings me down all of the time. But I have found that I miss my husband. So we have met for dinner several times. In fact, at this point it is just a given that we are going to eat together on Wednesday and Friday nights and maybe more. We still have sex sometimes. My friends say it is like we are dating again and some of them are skeptical about this. One of my friends says that she thinks it’s wrong to date when you are separated. She says that it might give my husband false hope – which is cruel. And she says that the whole point of a separation is to stay away from each other. Is she right? Is what I am doing wrong?”

I don’t think that it is wrong. I think that as long as both people are clear about what is happening and you are honest about any motivations or hesitations, I find it to be fine. My husband and I dated toward the end of our separation. Without this, we probably would have ended up divorced. Yes, there was sometimes misunderstandings and awkwardness as we tried to find our way. But this was preferable to avoiding and hurting one another.  My husband was very clear that the ‘dating’ didn’t necessarily mean that we would reconcile and I had to be okay with that, so it was a risk.  But we were two consenting adults.

This is only my opinion, but I believe that people get separated INSTEAD of divorced for a reason. Most of the time, it is because the couple is not sure that they are ready to end their marriage. They are hoping that somewhere in the future, things will be more clear and perhaps there might be some hope for their marriage. What better way to see this through than to continue to see your spouse?

Sure, if issues come up or if the dating becomes confusing or painful, then of course you want to be honest and address those issues. You want to treat your spouse with respect and be forthcoming.  You want to try to be clear about your own feelings, intentions, and motivations. But if you were to steer clear of one another and never interact, I’d suspect that your relationship would eventually weaken because of this.

No, you don’t need to date in order to stay in contact with your spouse. You can certainly communicate without it being romantic. But if both you and your spouse are interested in exploring whether the marriage and the romance can be saved, then I do not see the harm. I am certainly not a counselor. But in the end, resuming communications was the start of our reconciliation. Beginning to see one another helped even more. And the dating came at the very last stage – before true reconciliation took place. We certainly didn’t rush this (because my husband was not sure about what he wanted initially.) But I don’t feel that it harmed things in any way – although this will be different for each couple.

I’m certainly no expert, but I say if both people want to date, if it feels right, and if it’s having a benefit rather than harm, I think that it can be a good way to begin to inch your way back toward one another. That said, you’ll want to make sure that the dating doesn’t cause you to gloss over your problems. But sometimes, you need a break from your problems. And you need to focus on what is still right about your relationship, rather than on always what is wrong.

I can’t pretend that I didn’t have reservations about dating during our separation.  I was afraid of being hurt, but in the end, I do think that it is one of the things that saved us. The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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