Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who used to be very clear on the fact that they would take their separated husbands back in an instant, at least initially. However, some are surprised to find that the longer the separation goes on, the more they come to learn about themselves and about their own wishes and requirements. Many are surprised to find that they have a little bit of hesitation when their separated husband finally brings up reconciling or coming home.

Someone might say: “I begged my husband not to pursue a separation, but he persisted. He said that we had become two different people and that we fought all the time. I agreed with the fighting part. I did not agree with the ‘two different people’ part. And I thought that we could work out our differences in regards to fighting. He didn’t listen to me though, and he moved out around nine weeks ago. At first, I was climbing the walls. I missed him so much. I did everything in my power to get him back. He resisted me and I honestly thought that we might end up divorced. About four weeks ago, we started meeting once a week. I tried not to read too much into it. And, much to my surprise, I wasn’t as excited about it as I thought I might be. The meetings have gone okay, and as a result my husband wants to move back home. I can’t believe that I am going to say this, but now I have the slightest bit of hesitation and doubt about it. Having that time apart made me realize that the fighting was bringing me down and negatively affecting my quality of life. Now that I’m not dealing with the fighting anymore, I have to admit that I am happier. And I see that my husband did have a point about us being two very different people. From what I hear, he’s going out all of the time and I’m enjoying my quiet time at home, which I crave. It seems that we crave different things. Don’t get me wrong. I desperately miss my husband. And in a perfect world, I would want us together. But I wonder if now is the right time for us to reconcile. I wonder if these doubts are trying to tell me something. Should I go back with him?”

Honestly, only you are in the position to answer this question. I’m happy to give you some things to think about, but ultimately, you are uniquely qualified to know what you truly feel and want.

Consideration Number One: How Much Repair Or Rehabilitation Has Taken Place?: Basically, both you and your husband have identified two problems: the arguing and the fact that you have different personalities. In order to predict your successful reconciliation, you want to know that you have at least started to make progress in these areas. Have you learned to negotiate your problems in a different way so that you’ll no longer fight as much? Have you removed or resolved the problems so that the conflict is substantially diminished? Have you come up with compromises and ways to mold your different personalities so that these differences are assets instead of a liabilities? If you haven’t yet done these things, you’ll probably want to get started. Because once you make progress with these improvements, the doubts should start to wane and your confidence level should go way up. Anything that you can do to remove what lead to the separation in the first place will go a long way toward reassuring you that a reconciliation might actually work.

Have You Started A Gradual Transition Back Home?: I wish I could tell you that every one who reaches out to me and recounts their reconciliation has a wonderful, easy time and lives happily ever after. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Some couples just don’t make it. The marriage doesn’t recover and in some cases suffers additional damage when the reconciliation fails. I have noticed that those reconciliations that do make it (mine included) often move gradually rather than quickly. As you already know, there are commonly doubts. And these doubts are often there for both people. One easy and effective way to quell these doubts is to try the reconciliation on for size without making the stakes quite as high. Start with an overnight visit. Then a weekend. Then a holiday. If things go badly, take a break and evaluate what went wrong. The idea is to go very slowly, making the needed adjustments as you go. This puts less pressure on the situation and gives the luxury of time and perspective so that you get it right.

Once you done both things (meaning that you’ve fixed the issues and moved toward a reconciliation gradually,) your feelings should be much more clear. You should be able to clearly see any remaining issues and any places where you still need work. And it should also be clear as to how you feel about doing this remaining work. If you’re enthusiastic about it and feel encouraged, despite your fears, then this is a very good sign that your heart and your gut is telling you that it’s the right time to move forward with a reconciliation. If you still have some doubts, this DOESN’T necessarily mean that you shouldn’t reconcile. But it could mean that you just have a little more work to do or need to move at a more gradual pace. Many couples are able to work through their problems, stop the fighting, and make different personalities work. And, as you do the work toward reconciliation, it should be more clear to you if you WANT to be among those couples.

I was always pretty sure that I wanted and needed to reconcile.  But I absolutely had fears and doubts.  I moved forward anyway (although I did this very gradually) because I knew that I just didn’t want to live the rest of my life without my husband.  You can read more about our reconciliation on my blog at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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