Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Wives who have just become (or are about to become) separated often wonder how their husband is feeling. Many suspect that he is feeling euphoria or serious relief. Many believe that he is happy to be rid of the arguing or of the struggling marriage. Some of these wives actually attempt to ask their husband what he is feeling, but sometimes he will tell her that he doesn’t know, doesn’t want to talk about it, or he will downplay his feelings. Understandably, the wife usually isn’t sure what to believe. There is a very natural inclination to think the worst here.

So who can blame a wife who says: “what exactly do men think when they leave for a separation and walk out the door? I can’t really get a read on how my husband feels. We only talk briefly. And I definitely feel like he is hiding his feelings from me. He honestly seems a little more at ease than he did when he was at home and we were fighting. So of course I feel that it is possible that he is relieved and glad to be away. I work closely with a man who separated from his wife last year. I see him everyday in close quarters, so it was pretty easy for me to see that he was broken up about his separation and, frankly a mess – which is exactly how I feel. But I don’t see the same sort of behavior in my husband. He doesn’t necessarily seem broken up. It’s certainly not like he’s jumping for joy. But he doesn’t necessarily seem sad either. How do men feel – really feel – when they leave their wives?”

Honestly, this is a very hard question to answer. A man’s reaction to this varies greatly and is dependent on the personality of the man himself, the state of the marriage, his intentions moving forward, and many other variables. I can certainly share with you various responses that I’ve had shared with me and that I’ve viewed from my own experiences and observations. But the feelings can greatly vary – from one man to the next – and from one day to the next. The way that a man feels when he walks out the door initially may not be the way that he feels two weeks or two months from now. But below is a sampling of some of the feelings that he might experience.

A Sense Of Failure And Sadness: People are sometimes surprised at this. But yes, many separated men who choose to walk out the door feel disappointed and sad. Think about it for a minute. Most of the time, you have invested your heart, your time, and your soul into this relationship. So when you have to walk away, regardless of the circumstances, it can be very painful. You can feel as if you failed. Or that you let the people that you love down. This is certainly not usually a great feeling, despite what everyone may think.

A Sense That You Can Breathe (At Least For Now:) Many wives suspect that their husband feels some relief. And honestly, that can be the case sometimes, especially initially. Sometimes, there is relief that a decision was finally made. Or that a pause has finally been taken. Or that the bickering has at least been turned down. It would be unrealistic to deny this. But the perception that a man who initiated a separation walks out the door, calls his friends and says ‘it’s party time’ is, at least in my experience, rarely true – although this is what wives fear.

A Sense Of Dread Or Fear While Wondering If They Did The Right Thing: Believe it or not, a good amount of people (even husbands) who initiate or accept a separation are hoping that, at the end of the day, everything is going to somehow work out. They may know that things aren’t looking so great right now. Some are even hoping that the separation improves things. Many are just hoping that something changes and they don’t know how to initiate that change without also changing their living status. But if you asked many of them what they really wanted – some would say that they would want for things to eventually work out. And many are afraid that initiating the separation was the wrong call or may even make things worse.

So when you see your husband and he seems a little quiet and closed off – it may not necessarily be that he is trying to hide things from you. Instead, he may be juggling his own feelings and struggling with these disappointments and fears in the very same way that you are. I know from my own experience during my own separation that it is just human nature to expect the worst. But it isn’t always the worst that you are seeing. Sometimes, he simply has his own struggles and fluctuating emotions – just like you do.  You can read more about how I ended my own separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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