Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re recently (or even not-so-recently) separated, then you will know what I mean when I say that you are always looking for clues, signs, and signals that might tell you how your separated husband is feeling. Some of this is due to the uncertainty of the situation; but sometimes, part of this seeking can be due to a husband’s unwillingness to discuss his feelings. His wife may straight-out ask him about what he’s experiencing or feeling, but it’s rare that she’s going to get a straight answer. So she has no choice but to be on the lookout for any clue that she can get.

And frankly, it’s not always all that hard to find these clues. What IS hard is how to interpret them. You can wonder if your own feelings are clouding your judgment. You can wonder if you are just experiencing wishful thinking. You can wonder if you’re assuming the worst because you are expecting the worst. Because, let’s face it, you’re not exactly equipped to be objective when you are very invested in your marriage and are deeply upset about the separation.

Here is one example. A hurried separated husband might show his wife a bit of affection with a long or extended hug and then the moment is over. The wife may hope that he follows up, but he doesn’t. So all you can do is speculate. A wife might say: “my husband and I have been separated for just over two months. Things have always been cordial between us from the very beginning. What has always been most important to us is our son’s well being. We don’t want our son to see us fighting or acting silly. And my husband and I genuinely do respect and like one another as human beings. I just can’t relate to the separated or even divorced couples who hate one another. That just isn’t us. Anyway, my husband has always either given me a quick brush on the arm or sometimes just a quick hug in greeting when he comes over to pick up or spend time with my son. So a quick touch or show of affection is actually expected between us. However, yesterday, he gave me a hug and he definitely lingered. He actually leaned in, just stayed there, and then smelled my hair. He then proceeded to compose himself and break away. But he smiled at me. Then he went back to his normal behavior. I had hoped that he would follow up by suggesting that we get together outside of the house and outside of parenting, but so far, that hasn’t happened. I was telling a mutual friend about this and she told me that she thinks I am just reacting to wishful thinking or that my husband may have just reverted to habit. I suppose she could be right. But this is not what I want to believe. What does it mean when your separated husband gives you a long, extended hug?”

This is very hard to quantify. Of course, your husband would be the best person to provide this information. But sometimes, even he isn’t sure what, exactly, he is feeling. Sometimes, he is just reacting and not thinking. So that when you ask him about it later, he isn’t lying when he says he’s not sure what he feels.

There are men who have told me that they reverted to habit in the presence of their separated wife, so I suppose that this is a possibility. However, husbands who don’t feel some affection and comfort toward their wives don’t do this. What I mean is that if your husband was only feeling cordial (but still somewhat unloving) toward you, then he would be less likely to revert back to habit because his feelings would mean that he’d be on his guard and not really receptive.

My point is, it’s typically only a husband who has receptive and affectionate feelings toward his separated wife who will revert back to habit so easily. So no matter how you look at it or break it down, I don’t think that you can deny that it’s a positive sign. Sure, it may be fleeting and you may wish that he had immediately followed it up with something. But that day may be coming. And it is my experience that this time period (hopefully just before a reconciliation) can be fragile. You don’t want to scare him off or make him hold back by demanding information that he may not have. You might be better off just being receptive and allowing this to happen naturally again and with regular frequency.

Once that happens, you won’t need to question it so much and requests to spend more time together should just naturally follow. I guess my bottom line answer is that I think that it’s a very good sign, but you can’t possibly predict the future. So it’s best to not make demands or to put pressure on the situation. You want to encourage MORE of these hugs or spontaneous signs of affection, not less. And sometimes, that means just accepting what’s right in front of you and being happy for it without over analyzing it – at least for now.

I do know how you feel because I analyzed every single behavior by my husband – the good and the bad – during my own separation.  There was a time when I was sure that we would end up divorced because I wasn’t seeing enough behavior that I felt was “good” enough.  And yet here we are – reconciled and still together.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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