Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When we are dealing with a spouse who isn’t happy, a troubled marriage, or a separation, then going to counseling can seem like the best thing to do. (And it often is.) However, counseling is not always smooth sailing. Some spouses (particularly husbands) just loathe counseling because it means that they have to open up and they would rather not do this. Often, a spouse’s bad attitude in counseling will make the other spouse question any claims about wanting to save the marriage.

For example, a wife might say: “my husband and I have really been struggling for about four months. We live apart on weekends. It is sort of a part time separation. On weekends, my husband takes the kids and stays with his parents. If things don’t improve, then the part time separation might become a full time one, which is the last thing that I want. So I’ve been desperately trying to do things to keep this from happening. I begged my husband to go to counseling. He refused for quite a while, but he finally agreed because this counselor was referred to us by someone at church who my husband respects. When we agreed to go, my husband admitted that he really would like to save our marriage, but then he said he wasn’t sure if it would be possible. Still, he said the ideal would be for us to remain together. However, when we went to counseling, he just sat there like a bump on a log. The counselor would try to talk to him and get him to open up and it would be like pulling teeth. The counselor would then say things or ask questions to get a reaction out of my husband and he would sit there like he didn’t care. This is very frustrating when it’s coming from a man who claims he wants to save his marriage. It makes me question if he really wants to work things out or whether he’s just making this claim so it will appear that he did everything he could.”

Some Potential Reasons For This Behavior: I understand your frustration, but I honestly do not think that a husband’s reluctance or silence in counseling necessarily means that he doesn’t want to save his marriage. Many people detest sitting through counseling and their actions during the sessions make this obvious. They also go in doubting that counseling is really going to help and they resent the perceived waste of time and money. So, this may be the reaction that you are seeing. On the plus side, though, some of these people do eventually come around when enough time has passed to allow them to see that the counseling is actually working. A skilled counselor usually knows how to gradually deal with these reluctant folks.   However, sometimes the counselor and the couple are not a great fit and the couple finds success with someone else.

Possible Alternatives: If you’re patient and you see no change and there has been no improvement with seeking a new counselor, then there is always self help. Counseling is a very good way to save your marriage, but it isn’t the only way. I hear from some couples who have managed without it. In some cases, counseling does provide the most efficient or effective way for the couple to reconcile or solve their differences. But for couples who are resistant (or where there is one super-resistant spouse,) it is not the only way.

We did use counseling some and I do believe that it was ultimately helpful. But there were many things that helped just as much — like self help, both of us working on ourselves individually, and me making some changes on my own in order to show my husband that our situation was not as insurmountable as he thought. Because even in counseling, you are going to have some individual work to do on your own. Although counseling can help you identify some things and can help to keep you accountable and on track, nothing says that it is the only way.

But to answer the original question, I don’t think a husband’s lack of enthusiasm about counseling necessarily means that he doesn’t want to save his marriage. There are MANY people who are not enthusiastic about it, but eventually, they warm up to it a bit. It may help to watch your husband’s behavior when he’s in more relaxed settings to see if things are any better. Because what you eventually want to see is a sincere effort, even if that effort initially looks clumsy and doesn’t necessarily occur at the counselor’s office. With that said, it can take a while to see that type of sincerity, since many spouses go into this process not believing that it is actually going to work. That’s why it’s important to make small and steady gains when you can. You often have to overcome his doubts, at least somewhat, before you will see his level of enthusiasm pick up.

At least this was true in my case.  My husband had to see that things could actually change before he put all of his efforts into saving our marriage.  Before he saw this, he really didn’t seem willing to work with me at all.  He felt that most efforts were going to be a waste of time.  I had to show him that this just wasn’t true, which meant that I had to take the initiative sometimes.  But it was worth it.   There’s more about that on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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