Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I think it’s fair to say that when a husband leaves home and pursues a marital separation, the effects of this are far-reaching. This decision by a husband will often leave his wife struggling or devastated, but if there are children involved, then they can also be thrown off course. A marital separation affects everyone in the home and then some.

So yes, a wife can feel quite abandoned. But even worse, she can feel as if her child no longer has a father – at least temporarily. So part of any motivation in getting a husband home is to entice him to do his job – which is being a husband and father again.

A wife might say: “my husband left me about three weeks ago. We have a special-needs son and I admit that this makes our lives stressful sometimes. But you don’t see me bailing out on own family. My husband basically told me that he felt like he was suffocating at home and that he needed a break. I told him to take a vacation, but nothing would satisfy him except for moving out. He assured me that he would regularly come home and visit. Well, he hasn’t kept up his end of the deal. My son misses his father so much. And my son needs his father. So when we talk, I really stress the void that the separation has left, particularly with regards to my son. My husband basically says to tell my son that he loves and misses him and that he will be in touch soon. This is not acceptable. Once, I even took my son to my husband’s work in order to force my husband to be a father. But I could tell that my husband was embarrassed and he told me that his work place was not the appropriate place to hash out family matters. I regret taking my child to my husband’s job, but I didn’t know what else to do. I need my husband. My son needs his father. How else am I supposed to get him back home so he can be the husband and father that we deserve?”

Why You May Have To Tread Lightly: This can be a tricky situation. Because it’s very tempting to try to guilt him back into fulfilling his obligations. After all, (the thinking goes,) you fulfill yours. What gives him the right to think that he is any different? I understand these thoughts.  However, even though you are more than justified in your thinking, you really do have to evaluate any decisions on what is most likely to be effective. Why do I say this? Because if you try to guilt him and this strategy only backfires and makes him less likely to spend time with his son, then no matter how justified you might be, the plan has failed anyway.

It is human nature for people to want to stay away from the things that make them feel negative emotions like guilt, sadness, or confusion. Even though your husband should feel guilty for not making your son a priority (even through this trying and confusing time,) if you stress this guilt so much that seeing your son makes your husband feel even worse, he may start to avoid you and his son for a while, which makes your situation even worse. This is actually getting you further away from your goal – even though you would be very justified.

As counterintuitive as it may seem, sometimes you have to do things that makes everyone feel a little more comfortable, instead of less comfortable. Why? Because it encourages your husband to relax, to not feel as defensive, and to be open to spending more time with you. Once he becomes more open, you are free to capitalize on the time that you are able to spend together.  And as a result, he will be more likely to spend more time with his son.

Fears That You May Be Experiencing: I know that you are likely thinking exactly what I was thinking during my own separation – that if you back off then he will forget all about you and be free to do exactly what he wants. I completely understand that this “backing off” plan can seem risky and just not likely to work. But think about the alternative. Pushy and guilting has made things even worse.  If you stay down the same path, he may blatantly start to avoid you.

But if you back away – just a little – you may find that he actually comes to you with a new willingness that you haven’t seen before. That’s because since you’ve allowed him the time that he wanted, he’s no longer experiencing negative emotions like guilt, and he now knows that he can be confident that when he does reach out, you’re not going to try to make him feel bad.

I was extremely reluctant to back off with my own husband. But it became pretty obvious that I had no other choice. Much to my surprise, it actually ended up helping my situation. My husband eventually changed his tune and started pursuing me – even when, just a few weeks earlier, he had been avoiding me every chance he got.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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