Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people who initiate or want a separation pursue this as a test of sorts. Many are unsure about their true feelings for their spouse and so they suspect that a separation is going to make things more clear. After all, if you are away from your spouse and there’s a break in the drama, won’t you have the time and space to actually feel something substantial?

That’s the assumption, anyway. But some are surprised at their lack of feelings during the separation and they wonder if this lack is going to have any implications on their ability to eventually reconcile. Here’s an example. You might hear someone say: “my husband was the one who initially brought up separating. Our marriage has been floundering for quite some time. I did not believe that we needed to take so drastic a step. I thought that we could just both dig in our heals and commit to working on our marriage. However, my husband disagreed and he felt that we’d already had plenty of time where we could have changed our marriage, but we didn’t. His mind seemed pretty made up about this. After I thought about it for a while, I realized that perhaps he was right. However, I wasn’t enthusiastic about this process. I figured that I would be incredibly lonely and that I would miss my husband desperately. The thing is, this hasn’t come to pass. Sure, there are times when I’m home and I see something on TV or I have a memory and it makes me think of my husband.  In that moment, I wish that he was with me. But these sorts of instances are relatively rare. And that longing that I expected to feel just isn’t there. I don’t spend every waking moment missing him. In fact, sometimes I find myself savoring being alone. There is something very peaceful and freeing about having to only answer to myself. And it’s calming to not be fighting with someone all of the time. I am surprised because I really anticipated that I would suffer. And I worry about what this means for my marriage. Initially when we separated, I was very serious about saving my marriage. But now I worry about not missing my husband like I thought that I might.  I worry that this means that we aren’t meant to be. I don’t know for sure, but my spouse seems to be missing me more than I am missing him.”

Why There Can Be Some Relief Right After Separating: I know that what you are feeling is surprising and upsetting to you, but it honestly is not that uncommon – even amongst people who love their spouses very much. For many couples, in the time period before you separate, you are living under a cloud of uncertainty. And it can feel a little bit like you are living in a pressure cooker. So when there is a pause to that, it can understandably feel like a relief. Also, when you and your spouse have conflict, there’s a bit of walking on eggshells at home and, because of this, it can start to feel as if you can’t be your true self. So when you are separated and alone, it can feel very liberating to be who you are while not worrying about pleasing anyone but yourself.

How (Or If) To Deal With This Surprising Response Right Now: This “relief” phase as I like to call will sometimes last only a short period of time. For some, it lasts a little longer. And for others, it is indefinite. And no, it doesn’t have to mean that your marriage is over. It can be a natural reaction to the drama that you’ve been living with.

I don’t think that you need to put pressure on yourself or rush anything. I don’t even think that you necessarily have to share this with your spouse. I think it’s best to just allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling at the time without a lot of judgement or pressure.

Often, when you keep in contact with your spouse, the feelings and the longing will just naturally come when they are meant to – without your needing to force anything. If you are in counseling, you’ll find that having a set time to interact with your spouse might help this process along.

And many people find that initial “relief” phase to be fleeting. The sense of freedom and novelty eventually wears off and gives way to loneliness. Once this happens, you become more open to the romantic feelings returning. Much of the time, you don’t need to do anything to spur this along other than to just let this happen naturally and to be open to it.  And you don’t need to pretend to feel anything that you don’t feel. You just need to give yourself permission to experience whatever comes and to have patience.

Because very often, what you feel initially during a separation is not what you will feel at the end of it. Having feelings that evolve and change is very normal. Most people experience these fluctuations at some point. There’s no need to judge yourself or beat yourself up over it.

During my own separation, it was my husband that felt that sense of relief.  While I suffered, I know that there were times when my husband was actually happier being separated.  Thankfully, in time, (and as I learned how to play the game a little better) my husband’s feelings (and the longing) returned.  But it didn’t happen immediately.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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