What Are Some Reasons My Separated Spouse Won’t Talk To Me?
By: Leslie Cane: One of the biggest issues that I hear about from separated spouses is about disagreements or misunderstandings regarding communication. Typically, there is one spouse who wants much more communication and one spouse who is resistant to giving it.
Usually (but not always) the spouse who initiated the separation is the one who is resistant to talking. And the spouse who resisted the separation is the one who is trying to talk more. In extreme cases, one of the spouse is all but refusing to speak with the other. When you want to save your marriage, this can pose a huge problem. Often, one spouse will try to inspire, force, or provoke the reluctant spouse into talking more. But this often backfires in a big way. It can lead to less talking, which is the opposite of what you want.
Someone might say: “I really don’t understand why my separated husband all but refuses to talk to me. I haven’t done anything to him. It is not as if we have had a huge fight or anything. Yes, he wanted the separation and he pushed hard for it. No matter what I said or did, he was determined to move out and he did. But he made it sound as if we were going to keep in touch with one another. He made it sound like, even if we weren’t talking every day, we would talk sometimes. Well, he never calls. And when I call him, he either won’t pick up or he will only be on the phone for a few seconds before telling me that he has to go. I’ve tried stopping by his apartment, but he tells me that he is busy. He is all but refusing to talk to me and I don’t understand it. Is this his way of totally trying to get rid of me? I don’t understand why someone who has been married will just not talk to his spouse. Granted, I know that we are separated, but still….”
I know how frustrating this must be. This was one of the biggest issues during my own separation. But the more I tried to force my separated husband to communicate, the worse it got. Below, I will go over some common reasons for this and I will offer some suggestions on how to deal with it.
He May Be Trying To Claim His Space: A big reason that many men pursue a separation is that they are trying to “have space,” to “think,” or to “sort things out.” These are all vague phrases that are very common. But what he really means is that he wants to lay low for a while and just be on his own. He may not have envisioned constant communication, so when you try to initiate this, he is going to push back by not speaking at all. I’m not saying that this is fair, I’m just trying to give you insights on why you might be seeing this behavior.
He May Think That Talking Is Too Painful Right Now: Sometimes, spouses keep a low profile because they think that communication is going to be too painful and too awkward. They worry that whatever they say will be taken out of context or switched around. Or they worry that what they say or don’t say will give you the wrong idea. Often, they know that you are going to ask them how they feel or what their plans are and, in truth, they often don’t really know how they feel and they haven’t finalized any future plans, so they want to avoid discussions all together.
There May Be Some Underlying Resentment: I know you’ve said that you haven’t fought or anything like that. But sometimes, there are brewing resentments that may have led to the separation in the first place that have caused him to clam up. The good news is that sometimes the time and distance of the separation can put things in perspective and make his eventual opening up a bit easier eventually.
How To Respond To And Handle This: I understand that this is painful and tricky. I tried nearly everything to get my husband to talk to me regularly. And do you know the only real thing that worked? Putting a stop to the effort. I know that sounds crazy. But it’s true. I actually got frustrated and just stopped. I had no grand plan at the time. I just had no other words to say because they were all falling on deaf ears. So I stopped. And I felt that I had no choice but to turn my attention to other areas. Now, I told my husband that he wouldn’t hear from me because I was going out of town. I didn’t want him to worry. But I did stop talking.
As soon as my husband experienced silence for a little while, he eventually started talking. And he eventually started initiating the conversations. I am not suggesting that you act like him and refuse to speak. That would be silly. But I am telling you that when I stopped pursuing communication with my husband and lived my life, he started pursuing it from me. Maybe it was because he finally got his space, or he finally got to the place where he was ready to talk, or he was relieved that I was no longer bugging him. I’m not sure and it may have been a combination of all of these things.
But I do know that once I paused the additional conflict of trying to force my conversation on him, things changed dramatically. It is certainly worth a try. Because he isn’t willingly talking now anyway. You can read more about his reversal of behavior on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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