My Husband Keeps Threatening To Leave Me When He Gets Back On His Feet Again
By: Leslie Cane: It’s a tricky situation when both parties in a marriage know that if the situation were different, one spouse would leave. In today’s economy, money often keeps people together. For many couples, supporting two households is simply too difficult right now. But that doesn’t keep an unhappy spouse from constantly reminding the other that once things change, he is going to be out of there.
A wife might say: “my husband lost his job about 14 months ago. This put stress on every area of our lives – including our marriage. We began to fight all of the time. My husband has become a melancholy, pessimistic person who I don’t always like being around. But, at the end of the day, he is my husband and I made a commitment to this marriage. He, on the other hand, is starting to distance himself from his commitments. Often, when we fight, he will tell me that he’s only here because our finances dictate that we stay together. He tells me that as soon as he finds a new job and is ‘back on his feet again,’ he is going to pursue a separation or divorce. This makes me very hurt and very angry. He is pretty much telling me that he is only using me because he can’t afford not to. So, he’s going to allow me to support him, but he’s got one foot out the door. And when he gets a job and I am of no use to him anymore, he is going to dump me. How am I supposed to respond to this? I don’t want to lose my marriage, but it sure sounds as if his mind is made up.”
Just For A Second, Try To Put This Into Context: I understand your thought process. Your husband’s words ARE thoughtless, hurtful, and quite unfair. However, they are not uncommon. People who are unwillingly unemployed tend to project their frustration onto their loved ones and sometimes, onto their marriages. For just a second, try to put yourself in your husband’s position. People feel worthless and somewhat depressed when they lose their jobs. Problems have a way of getting multiplied. Mountains get made out of molehills. As a result, our love ones are sometimes on the receiving end of our frustrations. I do not mean to excuse your husband or insinuate that his behavior isn’t anything but unfortunate and unfair. But, he would certainly not be the first unemployed man to lash out at a loved one. Mens’ self worth can be very much tied to their jobs. So when they lose their job, they can struggle deeply. I would even go so far to say that if your husband was happily employed right now, you likely would not be seeing this level of behavior.
My point is, some of what he is saying and doing could be directly attributed to low self worth due to his job loss. I know that you may dread the day that he gets a new job because that might mean that he will move toward leaving you. But I don’t think that you can discount the fact that being employed again might make him much happier in general. When this happens, he may find that he is no longer magnifying problems or looking for them where they don’t exist.
Control What Is In Your Reach: I fully understand that you can’t control when – or if – he is going to become employed again. That is outside of your control. But there are likely a few things that are still within your control. As best as you can, you can try to diminish the tension and stress level in your home – at least on your end. You can’t control his anger and frustration – but you can control how you react to it. And you can make it a point to let him know that you don’t blame him for his unemployment or see him differently because of it.
You can take an honest look at your marriage to see if any of his complaints hold water or are valid. If they are, then you can make honest attempts to change things. I know it may seem that he is only staying put out of necessity. But he IS staying put. So use that to your advantage. Because of that, you have a somewhat captive audience, so none of your changes will be wasted.
Sometimes, wives in this situation find that, with some very deliberate and well-planned changes and improvements, these threats actually never come to pass. Sometimes, your husband is just saying these things because he is desperately trying to get your attention. He wants some relief. And he wants for you to provide it, but he doesn’t know how to ask. So he mistakenly tries to get your attention in negative ways rather than in positive ways. Remember that he’s likely not thinking as clearly as usual because of the stressor of the job loss.
I’m not ignoring the problems or trying to sugar coat this. I’m just suggesting that you note the advantages that you do have – which are the fact that, for now, he is staying and that you have time to make positive changes that might mean he never leaves and, as a result, you might both enjoy a better marriage at a stressful time.
I am not trying to downplay your husband’s thoughtlessness. I know that it hurts. But losing your marriage and being separated can also hurt. I would rather have revamped my marriage instead of suffering through my martial separation, but I didn’t have a choice. I would certainly do things differently if I had the chance to do so today. I did eventually save my marriage, but the separation was certainly no picnic. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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