Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  For many separated wives who want to reconcile, the first thing that they may try is to get their husband to willingly want to come home. They may attempt this in a number of ways.  If these attempts don’t work, many will move on to another strategy.  One example is attempting to make a husband regret ever having left.  The idea is that if you can make him feel some regret, then he will naturally want to come home as a result.

People sometimes ask me the best ways to get a husband to regret leaving.  I firmly believe that some of the obvious or commonly-tried attempts actually do more harm than good.  Although they are tempting, normal, and easy, they often will only make the situation worse.  They are what I call ‘low quality attempts’ because they don’t require a lot of discipline to carry out.  Here are some examples:

Trying To Shame Or Guilt Him Into Regret:  Many wives will honestly try to make their husband feel like a selfish person.  The wife will say things like: “well, I hope that you are enjoying your precious space while your children cry for you every night and your wife takes care of all of the things that you left behind.”  The irony is that sometimes, everything that the wife says is completely true. But it falls on deaf ears anyway because no one wants to believe this type of truth about themselves. No want wants to face this harsh reality.  So as a result, the husband might turn on the wife even more, or just avoid her.

Trying To Make Him Jealous By Attempting To Make Him Believe That There Is (Or May Soon Be) Someone Else: I will be the first to admit that this one is a slippery slope.  Because my starting to go out with my friends during my own separation actually brought about improvement.  And it’s possible that my husband might have worried that I might see someone while I was out.  And yet, I was always straight on the fact that I truly had no intention of dating.

In my mind, I was still very much married.  I would never have acted inappropriately with any man – separation or not.  But there’s no denying that this can be an easy strategy to try.  The wife will try to arrange it so the husband knows that she’s getting all dressed up, going out on the town, and could possibly be attracting other men.  The idea is: ‘if you don’t want me, someone else is going to.’

Again, I understand why this is tempting.  It’s easy to try and it makes you feel as if you are giving him a little taste of his own medicine.  But, I don’t think it’s sending an optimal message.  I always felt that, ultimately, I wanted my husband to think in the same way that I did – which was that we were still married and therefore we should both still be faithful, even during the separation.  However, if I tried to allude that other men might be in the picture, then I was doing something that I was asking my husband not to do.  And this just isn’t showing integrity.

Admittedly, I did go out with female friends.  And I think my husband did worry about what might happen as a result of that. This may have worked to my advantage.  But again, I always stressed that I had no intention of seeing anyone else.  And that was the truth.  I was still very much invested in my marriage.

Now, let’s move onto what I call the high quality methods.  These are harder to carry out.  They require a high degree of integrity and discipline.  But they accomplish what you really want.  They make it so that your husband wakes up one day and he realizes that he’s made a mistake and that he hopes that it’s not too late.  He willingly wants to come back without negative games of trickery.

Showing Yourself As A Woman Worthy Of His Love And His Respect:  I know that this is asking a lot.  Because I know that it is so easy to become impatient, to become frustrated, to lash out, or to try some of those negative tactics I talked about before. But if you can delay, take the high road, and ultimately conduct yourself with dignity and grace, you will often be rewarded for it.

Sometimes, if you just focus on yourself, act in a way that isn’t detrimental to your family or your marriage, and continue to be the best version of yourself, then your husband will eventually look around and realize that his space is not all that he thought it might be, that he misses you, and that you are honestly not the problem.

At this point, he will likely feel some remorse.  This isn’t the same as regret. It’s better than regret.  Because generally speaking, regret is much more negative an emotion.  And you have to be careful forcing negativity onto him.  The reason is that sometimes, he will project this negativity onto you and he will think that in order to be happy and to avoid the negativity, he needs to also avoid you (and perhaps your marriage.)  This obviously is not what you want or need.

I totally understand wanting a husband to regret leaving you.  It’s natural and understandable.  But it doesn’t always ensure the best result.  I learned this the hard way.  I attempted regret and it backfired.  It was only when I conducted myself toward a higher standard that I liked the result. You can read more about how that played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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