Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane I often speak with wives who wonder if their marriage can be saved. Obviously, I can’t listen to and then get to know every detail and nuance of their marriage. And, I’m only getting one side of the story. But I can typically tell after a very short period if there is some possibility (at least from their side) of the marriage being saved. 

No, I don’t know their spouse, and I absolutely concede that it isn’t possible to control or change someone else’s feelings. But, I have come to believe (from my own experience) that is very possible to change your actions and responses to “strongly encourage” your spouse to want to change their mind. 

This takes a bit of commitment, patience, an understanding of your spouse’s needs and desires, and, frankly, a little finesse and acting ability. But, the advantage that you do have here is that you likely know your spouse better than anyone else and you’ve already used the formula that made them fall in love with you.

Sure, things in your marriage have changed. And you have changed and your spouse has too. But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t save your marriage. In the following article, I’ll offer some considerations for people trying to figure out if their marriage can be saved.

Rare Situations Where It May Be Better To Cut Your Losses: First off, I must disclose that for the most part, if someone asks me if their marriage can be saved, this is a pretty good indication that at least one person in the marriage has the commitment and desire to make things work. 

However, there are some cases in which it may be better to really ponder the pros and cons of staying. I’m a strong proponent of keeping families together and not walking out on the person whom you promised to love forever. 

But, in cases of abuse, physical, emotional, or verbal harm, or serious addiction where the spouse just will not get help or the help doesn’t “stick,” then I advocate putting self-preservation as your top priority. 

If you or your children and your family are at risk or are being hurt physically and/or emotionally by the relationship, then I believe that you must put yourself first. Now that I’ve said what I needed to say about that, let’s move on to the marriages that in my experience can be saved.

Is There Apathy And Indifference On Both Of Your Parts?:  For me, the quickest way to know if a marriage is truly dead is to find out if both parties are basically “done.” What I mean by that is both spouses are at a place where they just don’t care anymore. They literally have stepped away from the marriage without any sorrow, doubt, or anger. 

There are no hard feelings. Nothing has been held back. Everything has been tried. The cards have been dealt and are on the table and still, both parties have decided to fold and walk away with no animosity or unfinished business.  

In these situations, the split is healthy because both people know that they did everything that they could and there’s no reason for resentment or doubt since they gave their absolute best shot. 

In these cases, you’re sure that both parties will put the kids first because there is really no need to punish, play games, or cause jealousy or hurt. These are the people who could see their spouse all dressed up with their new love on his or her arm and feel nothing but happy for him or her. There are no strong feelings or remorse either way here.

Does one of You Still React Strongly?: In contrast to the scenario I outlined above, it’s more common to see strong feelings – either positive or negative – on the part of one or both parties. These folks are typically either afraid, frustrated, angry, jealous, or hurt. 

They will often misinterpret feelings of anger as “proof” that the marriage is really over or too far gone. 

Actually, the opposite is true. These negative feelings really only show that you’re not yet to the place where you’re “done,” as I discussed above. Often the frustration lies more in the fact that you’ve not yet found a combination that will save the marriage rather than proof that you should end it.

Sometimes, one spouse is “done” and the other isn’t. In other words, one spouse is very committed to saving the marriage while the other one isn’t at all. 

So, what’s the prognosis here? Can only one person revive the marriage or does it take both parties being equally committed? Well, eventually both people need to be on board. But, this often doesn’t happen at first. This is usually a gradual process. The spouse that wants out will often not intend to get roped back in, but if the committed spouse plays it right, this can definitely happen.

Encouraging Your Spouse To Want To Save Your Marriage: If your spouse isn’t as committed to rescuing the marriage as you are, your primary goal is to change their perceptions. What are their reservations? What do they want that they think the marriage can not provide for them? Why do they think that things won’t or can’t change? Sometimes, they won’t tell you these things. But, you can almost always assume that a lack of intimacy is involved. 

Husbands (and some wives) very commonly tell me that they no longer feel valued, appreciated, desired, and understood. They look at how intense and right the relationship felt in the beginning and they contrast that with what life is like now and they feel let down. 

Yes, I know this isn’t fair. It can be difficult to put the same amount of intensity and attention into the relationship when life’s obligations rear their ugly head. However, acknowledging the problem and then putting forth some genuine effort can make a serious difference. 

You have to focus on what your spouse thinks they aren’t getting (attention, closeness, intimacy – whatever it might be) and genuinely provide it. I’m not talking about only doing this long enough to get them back and then stopping. 

I’m not talking about giving off phony vibes. I’m talking about thinking about what first attracted you to your spouse and then getting back to a place where you show how deeply you care about them and want them in your life. 

Remember when you intently listened when they talked, took a genuine interest in what was going on with them, and placed their happiness as high as your own?

What were the results when you took those efforts? You fell in love. Your husband fell in love. Saving this marriage requires you to repeat this process somewhat, keeping in mind how their needs and wants have changed over time. 

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