Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When my husband finally admitted that he was thinking about leaving me, I can remember saying over and over again: “please just tell me what I did wrong so that I can fix it.” But my husband never seemed to have the answers for me in regards to this. We went round and round on this topic, until he finally had to admit that there was not one concrete thing that I did wrong – rather, it was just a string of dissatisfaction on his part that he really could not put a finger on.

And I know that I am not alone in this. I hear from a great deal of wives who are dealing with a husband who wants to separate and leave (or who already has done so) and who can not come up with any good reason for his actions. In fact, when pressed, he will often begrudgingly admit that his wife has not done anything awful. And this can seem very unfair. She’s been a decent, caring wife and yet he is still unhappy. So, she’s left with no decent strategy as to how to “fix” this.

A wife might explain: “my husband is moving out this weekend. He admits that he doesn’t know if there is any hope for us. We’ve been happily married for eight years. Or so I thought. I never ever thought it would come to this. We’ve always been close and had a pretty darn good marriage. I have always put my marriage first. It’s very important to me. And I have always considered myself to be a good wife. When I ask him what I have done wrong, he admits that I have done nothing wrong. He admits that I have been above reproach. But he says that this does not keep him from being unhappy. When I ask for the source of his unhappiness, he can’t seem to identify it. He just seems restless and not content. But, where does this leave me? If there was a problem for which I was the cause, I could fix it. But now that he’s telling me I’m this great wife but that it doesn’t matter anyway, I’m lost. And I feel like there is no hope. I feel like my hands are tied.”

I know how this feels. And I think that it is completely possible to have a husband who is having a personal crisis and a marriage that is in trouble when you’ve done nothing wrong. However, I do have to admit that in my own case, when I examined things closely and as I was able to get more information from my husband, there were small places where I had left my marriage vulnerable. These things were not necessarily my fault. But this knowledge did allow me to make some adjustments, which did help.

However, if you truly are lost and have nowhere that you can make improvements, I think that one thing that you can do is to realize what you are and are not dealing with. In many cases, you are dealing with a sort of mid – life or mid – marriage crisis that no one can fix or end but your husband. Often, your husband is unsatisfied with his life and his accomplishments. But neither thing has anything to do with you or with your marriage. Sure, he will project his dissatisfaction onto you. But changing his marriage or his marital status often won’t make him any happier. (The good news is that many husbands do eventually come to realize this.)

I know that it can feel as if your hands are tied. But I feel that you do have some control. Because you can control how you present yourself right now and how you react. From my own experience, I have come to believe that the best thing that you can do is to understand that your husband is feeling some stress and some disappointment from somewhere. And what you can do to counter this is to make sure that when he is interacting with you, he gets a relief from that stress. To the extent that you can, make your interactions pleasant. Make them a harbor from the storm. Make it so that he can’t easily project anything onto you.

I know that this is asking a lot. But if you do this correctly, you are setting it up so that he looks around and realizes that you, and your marriage, are not the problem. And the hope is that he realizes that it is no one’s responsibility but his to ensure his own happiness. I know that this is scary. But many husbands move out thinking that leaving their marriage is going to provide relief, only to discover that the relief must come from within them.

In the meantime, what you can do is to remain positive and pleasant. I know that it’s tempting to approach him as something that must be “fixed,” but it is better to approach him as something that should be “supported.” Do you see the difference? Because I can almost guarantee you that he will feel the difference and will respond differently to each approach.

Honestly, once I understood the distinction between fixing and supporting, things changed during my separation. If I had kept trying to fix my husband or attempting to change his mind, I’d probably be divorced today.  You can read more about my separation and reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin