Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  More and more often, I hear from people who cite social media as a reason for their separation, impending divorce, or general troubles in their marriage.  Ten years ago, this was pretty much unheard of.  But today, it’s very common. Frankly, I think that many people are somewhat addicted to social media.  So when their family or spouse asks them to stop or to at least slow down, they can wonder if this is a reasonable request.

Someone might ask: “my husband has asked me to limit my Facebook usage.  I resent this because he is acting like my parent and that is just not very attractive. But there’s no question that his anger about it is hurting our marriage.  My husband saw a Facebook notification on my phone.  My ex is one of my Facebook friends and we interact regularly. Frankly, there is nothing to this.  We’re just friends.  I get a little lift out of interacting with him and I would never leave my husband for him.  I have told my husband all of this.  My husband’s response is that the ex is not the only problem.  He says that he notices that when I spend a lot of time on Facebook, I am less satisfied with my own life.  He says that I compare myself to my friend’s lives and then complain that we never do anything exciting.  He says that this is ridiculous because most people lie on social media anyway.  I do resent his request because I feel like he’s trying to limit me in some way or tell me what to do.  But I don’t want this to damage my marriage.  Does he have a valid point?”  Yes, sort of.  And I will tell you why.

How Social Media Damages What Is Most Important: This may not be what you want to hear.  And it’s only my opinion, but I think that your husband’s points are very valid. Recent statistics show that as many of one third of divorce filings today mention the word “Facebook” in the divorce paper work.  That is a very high number.

And yes, there are statistics that suggest that the more plugged into social media that you are, the less connected you are in your real life.  The more hours you spend on social media, the less genuinely happy you are.

I think that one very negative thing about social media is that it robs us of living in the moment.  We can’t relax when notifications are constantly popping up.  We’re not enjoying the wonderful things that are right in front of us, because we’re already thinking about how we’re going to record it and then broadcast it on social media for all to see.

A Decent Compromise: My husband would not need to make a hard sell  in order for me to limit my social media.  I just naturally do not enjoy it.  I call Facebook “fakebook” because I honestly think that this is what it amounts to.  I’m not saying that people intentionally try to be fake. I just think that the way that it is set up encourages us to slant everything to be less than honest.  And when you bring your spouse into this mix, this builds a wall between you.

I know that you feel defensive.  But think about it this way.  Would you want your husband’s ex interacting with him on Facebook, even if, (like your relationship with your ex,) there was nothing going on?  I certainly wouldn’t.  Why let someone else get between you, even if it’s only online?

I know that it’s not feasible to get off of Facebook completely.  But limit it.  Allow your husband open access to your account and then monitor yourself so that he doesn’t NEED to monitor you.  A good rule of thumb is to never post anything that you would not post with your husband reading it in real time.

I have known too many couples who have had their relationships ruined by their online activities.  Your marriage is too precious to risk it on something that isn’t even real.  I know that social media is a bit addictive, but it’s so damaging.  I also know that it’s a hard habit to break, but I think that breaking it is necessary.

I’d suggest starting by changing your notifications.  Stop the emails every time someone posts something.  Without this, you’re not as tempted to log on as much.  Next, tell yourself you’ll only go on once per day. After a few days of this, make it once a week, perhaps.  If this is still harmful to your marriage, cut it down every more.  And ask yourself every time you post if your words are damaging.

Perspective: I know that the above might sound extreme, but I think that it’s all necessary because statistics do not lie. Part of having a good marriage is being very mindful of what external factors affect your marriage.  After that, you have to do less of the things that hurt your marriage and more of those things that help it.

Your husband is being very honest about the fact that social media is hurting your marriage. So I am not sure that you need any more motivation than that to stop.  I have a very good friend who reconnected with a high school boyfriend on Facebook and is now divorced because of it.  I am very close with her children and I can not tell you how negatively it has affected all of them.  Watching that family be torn apart over something that was so preventable has been heartbreaking.

What’s worse, now that some time has passed, my friend can see the situation more clearly and she can see her mistake.  But she fully admits that at the time, she was truly addicted and could not stop herself.

Before you get to that point, stop.  If your Facebook friends are good friends, you can keep in contact some other way.  Or you can limit yourself and make Facebook a way to connect in a very innocent, appropriate, and non-addictive way. This is a life choice and it can be hard to make this type of choice in our social media-driven society.  But we have to guard the things that are most important to us.

Ever since my own separation, I am very strict on what I allow into my life and into my marriage.  I no longer participate in negative things that can damage my marriage.  This means very little social media for me.  I choose my friends wisely. And I’m very conscious of how I spend my time and how I form my thoughts.  This may seem drastic, but it works for me.  And it has greatly improved my marriage.  My husband and I are very careful in this regard and it makes us feel more like a team rather than two opposing individuals.  This is very important.  I am not sure that we could have saved our marriage without this mind set.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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