Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from many wives who are certain that their husband has checked out of the marriage. Sometimes, he says as much. He literally tells her that he’s done with the marriage and wants out of it. Other times, it is his behavior that does the talking for him. 

Most of these wives do not want to end their marriages. Unlike their husbands, they are still invested. But they feel somewhat hopeless about their options. After all, your husband is very clearly speaking with his words or his actions and telling you that it’s over. So what recourse do you have? I’d argue that you still have some options, which I’ll discuss below. 

But first, here’s the type of comments you’ll generally hear from wives. “Last night, my husband sat me down and told me that he’d checked out of our marriage. He was very clear about it. There was no ambiguity. He seemed to be choosing his words very carefully so that I’d have no false hope. He said that I’m a loving person who has done nothing wrong, but that our marriage just doesn’t work for him anymore so he wants to end it. He didn’t get into specifics about a divorce, but he did say he’ll be looking for places to live while we figure all of this out. He didn’t give a time frame. And he did not seem to be angry. But it seems very obvious that he intends to be finished with me and our marriage. And this is the worst news that I could hear because I want to save my marriage. Is there any hope at all?”

I believe that there is always hope. My situation looked very hopeless at times, and yet I am still married today. I’ll tell you why below. 

As Unfair As It May Be, His Checking Out Is Often A Consequence Of Unmet Expectations: I understand that every husband and every marriage is different. I get that there are many reasons that a man will check out of his marriage. Many of these reasons are unfair. And many have nothing to do with the wife. But there is often a common denominator of unmet expectations. 

Sometimes, a husband is projecting his frustrations in other areas of his life onto your marriage which is particularly maddening. Another unfair possibility is that he’s in a phase in his life where he’s decided to take stock of all that he has accomplished and compare this with his expectations from when he was younger. He’ll then conclude that he went wrong somewhere along the way since his accomplishments don’t match up with his dreams and goals. 

To that end, he begins to compare your marriage to the expectations he had when you were dating. He’ll remember when you hung on his every word and lived to make him happy. Then he’ll note how busy and scattered you both might be today. As unfair as it is, he may deem your marriage as a disappointment because of this, when in reality this is something that many marriages deal with (and many overcome.) 

See The Opportunity, Not The Loss: I know that you are going through a very hurtful time and that you feel rejected. But where you place your focus is vitally important right now. Try not to focus so much on the possibility of loss and focus more on what you might gain. Try to be as objective as you can when answering this question: Don’t you also miss the closeness and intimacy you used to share? Don’t you miss the laughs, the inside jokes, and knowing smiles? What if this blip is actually an opportunity to get those things back?

I know you are probably thinking, “Of course I miss those things. But I am not the one who wants out of our marriage. Why is it my responsibility to get these things back, when he’s the one who wants to leave?” 

It is both of your responsibilities. But right now, you are the one who is most invested in saving your marriage. So you are up to bat.  

And you can get a base hit by showing him that small changes are not only possible, but are the first steps in turning this thing around. 

What if, without his having to lift a finger, there is suddenly an improvement in your situation? Might that begin to change his perceptions and preconceived notions? Sure, this has to be a gradual process. And yes, you may have to move slowly. But so what if you can actually turn this around?  

Understand That You Want His Thinking To Return, Even Casually, To “We:” It’s important to understand that when a person wants out of the marriage, he no longer sees himself as a vital part of that same marriage. At some point, he decided that the payoff of being part of a united team was no longer an incentive for him. He went from being part of “we” to being part of “me.” 

You’ll have to eventually change these perceptions. One way to start is to demonstrate that you are working WITH him rather than against him. Yes, perhaps your marriage is changing, but you still want the relationship to be a loving one. This gives you a foundation on which you can later build. And this makes it possible for him to not need or want to push you away so that you can maintain at least some form of a relationship. This will make your job easier moving forward. 

Capturing The Right Kind Of Attention At The Right Time: I completely understand why you believe you have to get your husband’s attention by any means possible right now. You are right. You DO need it. You can’t change your husband’s perceptions without getting his attention in some way. But you should never stoop to negative strategies. Most of us will gravitate toward whatever will give us the quickest and surest response. We’ll argue with low blows. We’ll grovel and beg. We’ll point out his utter selfishness or the folly in his thinking. 

Sure, you’re getting attention this way. But I can assure you that it’s likely the wrong kind. You may only be speeding up the process of him wanting to make a quick exit.  

You need his positive attention, even if it takes a little longer to be successful. Conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. Never give him a reason to be critical or avoid you. Consider conceding his right to be happy and know that, although you want him to be happy with you, the only thing without your control right now is yourself. Make sure he knows that you’re not going to engage in negative behavior. 

Sometimes, you just have to leave it at that and go about your own business with positivity and work on your own ability to be happy. Paint a smile on your face and work on yourself. 

Try to look and feel your best and know that if you can genuinely live your best life, it may begin to generate some curiosity and interest from your husband. And THIS is when his perception will start to change. 

When it does, don’t move too quickly. Don’t push or overreact. Let him think he’s coming to his own conclusions in his own time. Let him come to you. Nudge him to believe that he is better off with you than without you. Use your knowledge of the woman he loves to connect in a positive and intimate way. You know this woman very well. She’s the best version of you! You used to see her every day when you looked in the mirror. Now, you have to bring her back.  

I had to channel this woman to save my own marriage. But for the longest time, this seemed like an impossible task. My husband wanted out, so the end of our marriage seemed imminent. Thankfully, I’m very stubborn and I didn’t give up. I eventually found a very methodical, positive approach that worked.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/