Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When separated husbands make casual or flippant remarks that hurt, they usually have no idea how much it is going to affect us. They have no idea how much we examine their words in order to tell us what they are thinking and feeling and what their intentions may be moving forward. I know how this works because I used to commit every word my separated husband said to memory and then go home and analyze everything, hoping that there were some clues as to what tomorrow would bring.

Looking back, I understand why I did this, but I think that the whole process did me a huge disservice. At times, I would come home happy and I would think that my husband’s words meant that we’d be getting back together soon. Other times, I would come home sure that this time period was the start of an imminent divorce. I wasn’t right on any of these occasions. Things unfolded very differently than I assumed. But of course, at the time, I was sure that his words were direct clues into the future.

And I know that I’m not alone. I get plenty of correspondence from upset or elated wives who want to recount their last conversation with their separated husband to see if I will agree with their assessment that a conversation went “well” or “not so well.” I wish I could give a definitive agreement or disagreement. But I can’t. The thing is, one conversation and just a few words isn’t a great way to see into the future. If I learned anything from my own separation and from watching others go through this, it’s that you can’t rely too much on what happens during one day or during a short period of time. And sometimes, we tend to read an awful lot into a husband’s remarks when ultimately, he may have just been having a bad day. And other times, he may have intended his words to caution or dissuade us, but, in the end, the outcome is different than either spouse would have thought.

Here’s an example of the negative conversations I’m talking about. A wife might say: “my separation has been tough. My husband wants to just wait and see what happens. All along, he’s been saying that if we are meant to be together, then we will be eventually. He doesn’t seem worried about it nearly as much as I am. He seems to completely trust that if our marriage is ‘right,’ then we will end up together. The thing is, I can never sort out the things he says to me and how I should take them. The other day, he told me that he could tell that I was working on myself and that it was obvious I was making progress. He said that I seemed happier and more settled and that he was glad to see this. Of course, I could not stop myself and I blurted out the question of: ‘does this mean that you see us back together when I’m finished working on myself?’ My husband’s response made me so sad. He said: ‘it’s impossible to predict the future. I can’t and won’t even try. If we’re meant to be, then somehow it will work out. In the meantime, if you found someone who would love you and care for you, then you should not wait around on me.’ I was shocked and devastated. It seems that on the one hand, he’s telling me that he likes the changes I’ve made to myself. But on the other hand, he’s telling me that the changes are going to end up benefitting someone else. Because he is not at the point where he wants me back. Now I’m wondering if I should just stop the work on myself and accept that he doesn’t want me anymore and that my marriage is over.”

Understand That If You See The Bad In The Conversation, You Should Also See The Good: I can understand why this makes you upset, but I think that it’s important not to panic and to read so much into this that it changes the course that may have been benefitting you. I always hesitate to attempt to read anything into conversations, because I know first hand that things can change very quickly during separations. But I think that if you are going to take what you perceive as bad from that conversation (that you believe that he suggested that you be open to a new relationship) then you also have to take what is good (that he sees positive changes and is open to reconciling if he believes that you ultimately belong together.) Many husbands take this same outlook – that if it is meant to be then it will be.

Learning To Let The Future Unfold Without Clinging: I know that this can seem maddening when just want to know what the future holds. But I can tell you that there was a time when I got so frustrated with my own husband when I was separated that I figured if that “wait and see” attitude was good enough for him, then it was also good enough for me. I decided that he was right – that holding on so tightly wasn’t benefitting me and that yes, things that are meant to be have a way of working out, so there was no sense in me getting so very upset.

Does this mean that I just decided to let fate take over and I no longer worked on my marriage or cared? No. I was always committed to doing everything that I could. But I also realized that it wasn’t completely up to me. All I could do was to set it up so that we had the very best chance, and then I had to realize that this was all that I could do. The rest was quite literally out of my hands.

I know that you might think that this attitude was depressing, but ultimately, it was a little freeing. I was always clear that I still wanted my marriage and would not act in a way that was counter to this. I never wanted to date someone else. I knew that even if my marriage did not work out, I wasn’t yet ready for this. And I know that not every one will go that route. Some get tired of waiting. That’s a decision that everyone has to make for themselves.

But I did make the decision that I was no longer going to over analyze everything. I was no longer going to believe that one little mistake or triumph on my part dictated my future. I had started to realize that a divorce or a reconciliation was going to come from many events working in tandem that I could not necessarily control all of the time. (This turned out to be true.)

I can’t tell anyone which strategy to take (or not to take) because I can not predict the future and I can’t possibly know the thoughts and the feelings of those involved. I can tell you though that sometimes, you and your husband may say or do things that turn out not to matter all that much in the future. And I can tell you that sometimes things look great, but then you end up regressing. Or sometimes things look really bad, and you end up making progress anyway.

That’s why, for me, I ended up being better off when I was able to step away and not read so much into what happened every single day. Seeing the ultimate outcome took time. Things were not static. They changed all of the time.

That’s why I’d suggest continuing to work on yourself. It will ultimately make you more settled and you will know that you’re doing something to improve things. Beyond that, you just can’t control what your husband thinks. But his thinking may change. That’s why I don’t think you have to completely give up or to change course based on one conversation.

There were times when my husband said things that made me think he didn’t want our marriage once the separation was over.  I would spend days or weeks feeling awful.  And then we would have good periods where things would look up.  I eventually learned that you can’t predict the future based on just a few things. This was saved me a lot of grief from future overanalyzing.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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