Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I have found that people’s behavior during a trial separation can often go into one of two categories. There are those who are on their absolute best behavior. And those who are on their absolute worst behavior. I suppose you could argue that there is a second category for people who fluctuate between the two categories. Admittedly, I was in the bad behavior category for much of my own separation. And then I wised up and ended up in the good category. If I’d never done this, I doubt that I would still be married today, (but a little more on that later.) It’s hard to act in the same way all of the time when you’re scared and worried about the future of your marriage.

Some people tell me that they worry about not being their authentic selves during their separation. They often describe it as feeling like they have to bite their tongue or step on egg shells. They feel like they need to always be nice to their spouse, even if they are actually pretty angry. Some have told me that they feel like they have to ‘woo’ their spouse or continuously try to get into his good graces.

And this can be very frustrating. Someone might have this type of complaint: “honestly, my husband was straightforward about why he left me. He said that he did not feel loved. He said that I prioritized my relationship with everyone but him. At first, I argued with him about this, but then I decided to take an honest look at the situation. And I saw places where I could do better. It made me sad to think that my husband wouldn’t feel loved. So during our separation, I took out all of the stops. Once, when I knew he had a presentation, I bought him a new shirt and tie. When he was sick, I brought over homemade soup. When his sister got kicked out of her home, I let her live with me for a while. My kindness to my husband did pay off. He became much more receptive to me. However, if I stop making an effort, for even a short time and for even a little bit, he notices and complains. I don’t dare ask him to make an effort for me, because it seems to be all about him. If I have a bad day or I forget to woo him, he goes on and on about all of the not feeling loved nonsense. The thing is, I do love him and I want for him to feel loved. But I am not sure that I am prepared to woo him and court him and carry on like this for the rest of my life. When is it too much? How can I communicate this to him?”

I understand what you are feeling. I went through a similar situation and I struggled with it. I ultimately decided to try to find some compromise. I had to be honest with myself and understand that my husband was correct in many of his complaints. And these complaints lead to our separating. And the way that the lightbulb clicked off was pretty unexpected.

Evaluating If He Is Asking For Too Much: One day I was on public transit when I had to go to somewhere that was unfamiliar to me and I did not want to drive. I struck up a conversation with a stranger and of course made a real effort to be polite and witty. I left the experience feeling uplifted and optimistic about the goodness of people.  And then it hit me then that sometimes I am nicer and more complementary to strangers than my own husband.  Right then and there, I vowed to change that.

Did this feel inauthentic and like it was all a huge effort sometimes? Yes, absolutely. But was the effort worth it? Without any question.  It lead to a reconciliation. And here’s something else. It may have felt a little inauthentic at first, but this passed because treating my husband a little better became second nature after a while and it felt like no effort at all once it became a habit.

Better than that, my husband started making the same effort with me and this honestly transformed our marriage and our interactions with one another. The truth is, simple kindness and affection isn’t really any additional work.

It May Not Take As Much Effort As You Think: We often think our spouse is looking for grand gestures or for us to go over the top with the whole thing. I’ve learned that this is not necessarily the case. Bringing your spouse coffee when you’re getting some for yourself, giving your spouse a sincere compliment, and doing what you can to be a good listener and lightening your spouse’s load doesn’t need to take up a lot of time. And you will often find him returning the favor so that this small effort is more than worth it.

However, if you feel taken advantage of, then you could tone it down so that it’s within your comfort level. I honestly do think that most people don’t truly expect for you to do something huge that requires a lot of trouble every day. They just want to feel appreciated and seen. And often, this doesn’t require a lot.

Sometimes, if you just pay a little more attention and make a tiny bit more effort, then that is all it takes. And the dividends for this are huge. Isn’t it worth it if this effort helps you to get your husband back?

I thought it was. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. In fact, I still make an effort to do it today. Because it’s such a habit for me that I don’t even have to think about it anymore.

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