Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people find that the period of time just before their spouse comes home after a martial or trial separation is filled with anticipation and anxiety. The anticipation comes because this is the day that you have been working toward. But there is anxiety because you don’t want for anything to go wrong. You don’t want for your spouse to regret coming home. You don’t want for either of you to think that his coming home was a mistake. So you worry. And you anticipate.

Every situation is different, but people often wonder what they can expect when he comes back home. Someone might ask: “I finally got my husband to agree to come back home. This has been eight months in the making and I’m excited about it. I feel like I’ve pulled off the impossible because just three months ago, we were barely speaking. I told my best friend that I hope it is like a second honeymoon for us. And then she had to ruin it for me when she said that many people end up fighting once the husband comes back home. Is this true? What are realistic expectations?”

Both you and your friend are right. Some people do have what could be compared to a second honeymoon. And others have conflict that they must work through. Some couples have a combination of both. But that doesn’t mean that you can not work through whatever you find cropping up.

Many people start out feeling both hopeful and reluctant. There is a lot at stake here so both spouses can feel some anxiety. “Walking on eggshells” is a common phrase used to describe the first couple of weeks home. There is often an adjustment period since each person has been used to living alone.

But there can be periods of bliss too. After being lonely and scared, finally having your partner to share things with once again can feel wonderful. And when issues crop up it, can feel scary and troublesome. No two days may be alike.

I know that this may be concerning to you, but there are things that you can do to minimize the “roller coaster ride” aspect of it. You and your spouse can both agree to be honest and to communicate openly. It is so much better to point out the elephant in the room than for both of you to notice but to be afraid of saying anything. This just makes the awkwardness worse.

You can regularly “check in” with each other to determine what is working and what is not. And you can both agree that no one is going to walk away when issues crop up. Instead, you will join together and work through them.

You can also try to ease into him coming home. In the days or weeks that lead up to it, spend more time together. Have him stay over night if you can. That way, you can hopefully see the issues that are going to crop up and work through them before he is there full-time.

This leads me to my next point. It is very important that you have made progress on whatever issues divide you. It’s ideal if they are completely gone. But if they are not, then at least learn how to discuss or disagree about them in healthy ways so that you don’t end up having the same arguments over and over again.

I think that it is unrealistic to think that everything will forever be roses and sunshine when he comes back home, although sometimes you certainly have days – or even weeks and months – that feel that way. But it’s probably also unrealistic to think that you will have nothing but conflict. There is often a huge sense of relief coupled with some awkwardness and concern.

But if you are both committed to making this work, you can often communicate your way through it and address things as a united front. In the best of circumstances, a separation makes both spouses see the benefit of staying put and banding together as a team when conflict arises instead of letting it separate and divide you.

The hope is that the separation made you both see that you are happier together instead of apart. The trick then, is to create an improved marriage where you upgrade your lives together so that you are happy and united much more than you are unhappy and experiencing conflict.

No one has a conflict-free marriage. That is unrealistic. But the very best marriages learn to navigate that conflict in ways that do not damage the marriage, but actually strengthen it. This probably sounds quite simplistic, but it is anything but.

Right now, focus on the fact that you have finally made progress and have gotten what you want. That is reason for celebration and the first step. Now you just have to watch closely and address any pitfalls as they come up and notice how you deal with conflict. Adjust as you go and be open and honest when something concerns you. Assuming the worst and shutting down is one of the worst things that you can do.

I admit I was terrified when my husband FINALLY came home.  But I was also elated.  It was a strange mix.  My assuming that things were going to fall apart sometimes hurt us more than our actual issues.  I was determined to have open communication because I knew how much shutting down had hurt us before.  There were periods of time when we muddled through.  And there were periods of time when we were blissfully happy.  In the end, we made it.   You can read more of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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