Leslie Cane Articles

They might describe a situation like this one, “Although we aren’t officially separated, my husband has been staying at a small apartment at his office rather than coming home after work. He feels that we ‘just need a break from one another,’ and it is clear that he is just not interested in being happily married to me anymore. He looks through me, not at me. I could parade in front of him naked, and he would very likely have no response whatsoever. I actually went and got a makeover last week. I think that I look pretty good, but I know that it is not going to matter to him. It’s like I’m invisible. Is there any way that I can appear attractive to this husband of mine, who is probably technically almost separated from me?” 

I believe that what you want to accomplish is possible if you are willing to engage in a bit of deliberate behavior. I’ll explain below. 

Know What Doesn’t Work: Coming Off As Desperate Or Manipulative Will Never Be Attractive, No Matter How You Look When Doing It:  Before I tell you what I believe can work, I want to stress what I’ve learned absolutely does not work. I know this because of my own experiences during my own separation. And I don’t think my husband could have seen me as less attractive as when I was trying to guilt, manipulate, or shame him. I could have looked like Cindy Crawford, and he wouldn’t have found me attractive at that time.  

Believe me, I understand the desperation you feel when you know that you need to do something – anything – and soon- or your marriage may be over. So you are tempted to try to overcompensate with sweetness or acts of seduction. Some will actually try to pick a fight to get any reaction at all. It gets old to continuously be ignored. I understand why this is tempting. But usually, this type of desperation will often cause you to act in ways that actually hurt your chances rather than help. 

Why are these strategies doomed to fail? Because they make your husband feel negative emotions, whether that is frustration, pity, guilt, or avoidance. 

I know that you want interaction at all costs, but sometimes, this will backfire. Sometimes, your desperate attempts make him believe that he must separate from or move away from you to get any peace. Do not make this mistake. If he’s already seeking distance, you must offer it to him, with the idea that you’re going to let him come to you. Then, you must trust that with a workable strategy, he will. 

The Push And Pull You Must Put Into Balance: Sometimes when this all begins to sink in, wives begin to see where they’ve gone wrong. They realize that they’ve come on too strong or pushed too hard. So they’ll be tempted to take the opposite approach and believe that they should play coy, pretend not to care, or attempt to incite jealousy. Actually, this strategy can also be damaging. Many husbands will see through this and will therefore avoid your attempts at manipulation. So you’ll again be met with a husband who is backing away and is disinterested.  

What I’m asking you to do instead is to strike what at times will feel like a tricky balance. You should be clear and truthful about the fact that you still value and want your marriage while at the same time owning that you are confident in what you’ve already proven you have to offer. You should portray that despite these difficult circumstances, you know you’ll be okay. But you WANT to be okay with your husband by your side. 

A woman who has this sort of quiet confidence doesn’t play games with her husband, try to make him jealous or feel guilty, or want to elicit pity. 

Instead, she gets on with the business of her life because she respects herself enough to still want to salvage it. This is the type of busy woman who will make a husband curious and hopefully, intrigued. 

Elevation Is Attractive: If he thinks that you are agreeable and staying busy because you are using this time for yourself and your own betterment, what is the harm? If you actually can find moments of grace, where you’re able to see friends, learn something new, and elevate yourself, even better. 

Your husband is likely to see this as attractive because, well, it is. You’re evolving. You’re growing. You’re improving yourself because you are VALUABLE. You MATTER. Yes, you’d rather do all of these new things with him. But since you can’t (at least right now) you’re not going to sit at home and rot. 

Leaning Into What Has Already Worked: Deep down, you know what your husband loves about you and finds most attractive. You’ve had this knowledge all along. It’s hard to be that woman right now because you’re hurting. It’s hard to be full of hope and life because you feel a pause. But you must find a way to bring her back because she is a big key to your success. Try very hard to display the woman you know as your best self when you interact with your husband. You want him to have an aching sense of deja vu. Think about it this way. You’re not being asked to be anything that you aren’t, not deep down. So you can do it.  

Do not let your light dim. Your husband used to be drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Cultivate it again. He saw it when no one else did. He may even be looking for it now, even if he doesn’t know it. And I’m not necessarily talking about your appearance – although you should try to look your best. I’m talking about the essence of you that no other woman has. That essence is lit up when you are your husband are connecting. But you can spark the flame on your own if you have to. 

 This is what will eventually attract him. It’s not that he feels guilt or sorrow. It’s not that you’re playing games with him. It’s that you’re calling forward the light that you’ve lost somewhere along the way, and you’ve put it on full display. You’re not leading with your problems and issues. You’re not nagging and droning on. You’re showcasing the qualities that he’s likely been missing for a very long time, and you’re drawing on the shared experiences that drew you together in the first place. 

Break this down into the simplest of steps. When you get a chance, display the qualities you know that he most misses. Share positive common experiences and gradually build a new foundation. Eventually, he will hopefully begin to reach out and want to spend a little more time together. And that is where your opportunity lies. Take it. 

I’m telling you to do this because I wish I had.  Yes, I eventually got with the program, and I eventually DID save my marriage.  But I wasted a lot of time, and experienced much unnecessary pain.  I’d like you to avoid that.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com