Trial Separation Success Stories: What Many Of Them Have In Common
By: Leslie Cane: When you’re separated and looking for any type of hope that you can still save your marriage, you’re often on the look out for success stories of people who have been able to accomplish this. At least I know I was. You hope that you are not trying to accomplish the impossible. And often, one of your biggest challenges is keeping the hope alive and not feeling discouraged.
So in this article, I thought I’d tell you some of the characteristics that I believe many of the success stories have in common. With this said, there isn’t one “right” or “wrong” way to get your separated spouse back. I’ve seen wives do exactly what didn’t work for me and have wonderful results. I don’t think that there’s alway a “one size fits all solution.” But I do notice that many of the separations that eventually end successfully share common features, which I’ll discuss now.
At Least One Spouse Still Cares: Sometimes, you can start your separation with two angry people involved. Both people can claim that they want nothing to do with their spouse or that they are done. I am not always overly bothered by the anger. Because it shows that at least the couple are still invested enough to feel the anger. You wouldn’t be angry if you did not care. I also believe that it sometimes only takes one invested spouse. Sure, this is harder. You’re going to have an easier time if both people are still actively invested. But I’ve seen one person eventually bring the other around. This can’t happen though if there is no one there to take the initiative.
No One Is Seriously Seeing Someone Else: I hesitated to put this in because I can’t tell you that I’ve never seen a reconciliation when the separated couple were seeing other people. I have seen this. But it is much more rare. It helps if the spouse’s are not seeing other people or, if they are, they are only dating casually, with the full knowledge that they are still married and still unsure of what is going to happen with their marriage. When people start dating others, it will often change the dynamic of the separation in a negative way and it creates confusion and drama. I never encourage dating during a separation. I think it’s best to tell yourself that you can date others once you are divorced if that’s what you want. But while you are still married, you should not, at least in my experience.
The Arguments You’re Having Aren’t Personal Attacks: Many of the couples who I see successfully reconcile play fair during their separation. Sure, they may fight. They may be very angry at one another. But the fights don’t get personal. You might be angry at what your spouse does or says. You may be frustrated with their behavior, but you are not calling them out as a deplorable person. You might tell your spouse that their behavior is selfish, but you aren’t saying things like: “you are a selfish loser who will never change.” I find that it’s much easier to patch things up when you know that your spouse still respects you as a person. And when the fights get personal or are character assassinations, its very hard to maintain this belief.
At Least One Person Keeps An Open Mind And Doesn’t Close Themselves Off: In the beginning of the separation, it’s normal to feel discouraged. You don’t know what is going to happen. But it helps to tell yourself that you are going to just wait and see, because you can’t possibly know how this is going to end. But if both people are proclaiming that their marriage is over and are closing themselves off to the possibility of ever reconciling, then the situation becomes much harder because you are resistant and closed off to your spouse. I encourage people to try to look at it like: “things certainly aren’t great right now. Things may look discouraging. But things can also change. Right now, I’m not going to determine the outcome with a bad attitude or with any set expectations. I’m just going to wait and see.”
At Least One Person Still Remembers The Commitment That They Made: I find that in the end, the turn in the tide of your separation often comes down to one person thinking something like: “you know, I made a commitment to be with this person forever. I owe it to myself or to them to see if I can somehow change the negative course our marriage is on.” It would be great if both people had this thought process. But sometimes, there is only one in the beginning. And that can be OK. But it’s hard to swing things more positively if neither person remembers their commitment. Because when things look bad and everything is going wrong between you, sometimes the commitment is all you have to fall back on – at least until things improve.
At Least One Person Remembers That It Can Be Very Good Between You: When things turn sour in our marriage, it’s very easy to just focus on what is wrong. You can start to forget that in the past, you and your spouse were crazy about one another and very happy. But, remembering this can dramatically change the way that you approach or deal with your spouse during the separation. Because if you can remember the good, then you have something to move toward.
Not seeing every one of these signs doesn’t mean that you can’t successfully reconcile. This is just a general list of the things that I see. If you don’t see yourself here, then you have something to work toward. I honestly think that the most important attribute to have is the ability to be patient and to not give up.
Things don’t always progress as we want them to. But those who successfully reconcile are willing to wait until tomorrow when today looks bad. They don’t turn their backs on their marriage just because things aren’t going their way today. They are willing to wait and see before they take drastic measures.
I wish I could tell you that I had all of the above criteria going into my separation, but I absolutely did not. And my husband probably didn’t have any of them. I learned as I went along and I had to change many of my beliefs and behaviors. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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