Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: People often think that when they live in the same house but fight, this is actually a detriment to their marriage. Many think that if they want to save their marriage, then the optimal thing to do is to officially separate, live apart, and hope that they miss one another. Actually I don’t agree that this is always the best route to go anyway (which I’ll discuss below.) And, not every couple can afford to maintain two households.

Someone might say: “it stinks, but it is the truth. My husband and I just can not afford to separate right now. We can afford to maintain our current home, but if we had two homes to pay for, then that would seriously cause stress and hardship. However, living in the same house with him is awful because all we do is fight. Just seeing him makes me angry. When he gets in my way, that makes me even angrier. I have thought that it might be beneficial for us to live apart so that things could calm down between us. But we don’t have the money for that. Our financial situation is what has caused us stress in the first place. Ultimately, I believe that once I calm down and things settle down, I would probably like to save my marriage. But I don’t see that it is going to possible with us trapped like rats in a cage in this house and going at each other all of the time. How can I start the process of making things better for us when we are forced to live together?”

Why I Don’t Think That Living Together When Trying To Reconcile Is A Bad Idea: It may surprise you to hear this, but I think it is preferable for couples to live together when trying to save their marriages. I believe that, when done correctly, this arrangement gives you the highest chance of having success. And the reason for this is that when you are living apart, there is a tendency to go for long periods of time without communicating or seeing one another. This leads people to assume all sorts of bad things about their spouse. Is he seeing someone else? Has he moved on? Does he not even care?  And often, you take these fears with you when you try to communicate. And since you don’t see each other every day anymore, you want to get everything in. This can lead to nasty fights because everything has built up. So rather than making any progress, your relationship deteriorates even further. And it’s hard to reassure each other or to do damage control when you may not see one another the next day.

Sure, people do miss one another sometimes, but even this does not guarantee success.  It takes at least some regular contact to reconcile, at least in my experience.  And regular contact is less likely to happen when you live apart.  That’s not to say that people who live apart don’t reconcile.  They do.  I did.  But I think it’s just easier when you live together.

Taking Time Out To Restore Calm When You’re Still Living Together: At the same time, when the close quarters are making you fight, that is not ideal either. There may be some alternatives. Can you both agree to give one another space in the home? In other words, maybe one of you can sleep in a spare bedroom for a short period of time. Maybe you can exist on opposite sides of the house until things calm down.

If you don’t like this idea, can you stay with family for a few days? Or a coworker? I always suggest that you take control and be the one to leave because that way you get to decide when you want to come back home. If your spouse is the one who leaves, then you give up the control and you can’t be sure when he’s coming back.

Finally, it’s hard to save your marriage until you can communicate constructively without fighting. It is OK to disagree with respect because doing so allows you to see what the true issues are between you. It helps you to identify what is separating you. But, it’s very common to not know how to do this constructively so that it just seems like you are fighting and personally attacking one another.  If this is what is happening, learn to keep yourself from engaging in this way.  Take a break. Take a walk.  Tell your spouse that you both need to take a time out because you aren’t getting anything accomplished.

Hear what he is saying and then instead of striking back, say something like: “OK, let me see if I understand your point. You’re saying that you’re concerned about our finances and you’re frustrated that things aren’t getting any better in our relationship. Do I have that right?”

Once you’ve identified the core of why the fights keep coming up, then it’s time to really and truly do something about it. Because until you do, you will keep dancing the same old destructive dance, getting no where.

This might sound like a simple two step process, but it’s normal for people to struggle. Often, you’re not looking at one simple issue and you have to address the resentment that has cropped up as well as different communication styles. I know that money is tight here, but counseling or talking to a third party can help dramatically. This doesn’t always have to cost a lot of money. Many people use their priest. Or their children’s school guidance counselor. And some communities off free or low cost social services counseling. If these things aren’t available, then there are countless self help books at libraries. The point is, it’s often easier if there is someone or something to guide you through this because often you are close to it in order to see it objectively.

Getting back to the original question though, I do believe you can save your marriage while living in the same house. In fact, I think it’s optimal, so long as you learn to communicate effectively while doing it. My husband and I lived apart during our separation and that actually raised a lot more challenges that had to be overcome before we could reconcile, although we did eventually save our marriage.You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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