Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When your marital separation is approaching its end, then it would be wonderful if you could just enjoy the relief and the happiness that you feel to be reconciling. But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, people feel both relief and doubt. While they are happy that they have finally gotten their wish and will be getting back together with their spouse and attempting to save their marriage, they are also afraid that the reconciliation won’t last. And many of them have resentments and hurt feelings because of the behaviors that they saw either before or during the separation.

A comment that you might hear about this is something like: “last year, my husband was down on everything and every one in his life. He hated his job. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to live in this part of the country anymore. He questioned the choice of our church. And he even questioned his love for me. I would call this a midlife crisis, but my husband is pretty young. Anyway, around that time, he told me that he didn’t think being married to me was helping him in any way.  He said I was doing the opposite of enhancing his life. I told him that I really thought he needed to get counseling because it seemed that he was just down on everything and everyone and his change in attitude seemed very abrupt. He didn’t like my suggestion and said that I just couldn’t accept that he didn’t want me anymore. I asked him what I was doing wrong and he said that I hadn’t done anything wrong, but that he was pretty sure that he no longer loved me. I had a hard time dealing with this explanation. It’s hard to take when someone admits that you’ve been a good wife and have done everything right, but it is not going to matter anyway. I had no choice but to let him leave. During our separation, he often would not take my calls and sometimes, when I would try to reach out to him, he would be borderline rude to me. At one point, he even blurted out: ‘how do you not get that I do not want you anymore and never will?’ I never really reacted to the mean things that he said, because I know my husband well enough to know that this behavior just wasn’t typical of him. And so I didn’t engage with him, but I also didn’t have any hope for my marriage. And just as I was accepting that I was probably going to end up divorced, my husband called me and informed me that he had started seeing a therapist and that she had suggested that I occasionally attend therapy with him. I was more than happy to do this. And my husband slowly seemed to be coming back to his old self. One day in counseling, my husband blurted out that he thought he wanted me back and he thought he might want to start seeing one another again. I was very reluctant about this because I was worried that he would start rejecting me again eventually. It hurt me so much when he was telling me that he didn’t want me anymore. I was honest with him about this and he told me that he deeply regretted the way that he treated me before and that he wasn’t going to repeat that. We have been seeing each other and it is going well. He said that he would eventually like to move back in. I want that too, but I am so scared. Because I know how much it is going to hurt if he suddenly becomes unhappy again and starts to criticize me.”

I understand this. And I can tell you that when my husband and I initially reconciled, I was always very afraid that it wouldn’t work. And I was pretty sure that if we failed at that point, there would be no choice but to go ahead and get a divorce. At the same time though, I was insistent that we take what we learned during our time apart and apply it to our marriage. And this helped greatly. We knew that relating to one another in the old ways just was not going to work. So we watched our behaviors closely and we adjusted.  I believe that this is possible for most couples.

You have an even greater advantage than this because you are actively in counseling. The counselor should be made aware of your concerns so that she can help to guide you through this process. I am not a counselor, but I would suspect that she will want you to move slowly. I don’t think that it’s ever a bad idea to slow down if there’s a bit of reluctance. You want to set yourself up to succeed. There is really no reason for your husband to move back in before either of you are ready, if things are going well now. I’d suggest continuing on with counseling and seeing one another at more regular intervals in order to ease into the reconciliation.  This should help with your doubts and with your comfort level.

When you have counselor supervision, then you really are in the best possible situation. Of course, there are never any guarantees, but I would certainly think that you have a much greater chance of not repeating the same patterns as you would if you were trying to do this without any help.  And I don’t doubt that your husband regrets hurting you. It does appear that he wasn’t himself before the separation. And he did seek counseling, all on his own, which is a great sign. So it does appear that he is on the right track and his behavior is returning to normal with the therapists’ help. Of course, hearing heart felt apologies are always nice.

And, you want to make sure he keeps this up and that you continue to monitor his behavior and to speak up if there is something bothering you. But having a spouse willing to get help and actively getting it along side you during your reconciliation is truly is the best that you can hope for.

When I was evaluating a similar situation with my own spouse, I figured that I didn’t have that much to lose.  If things didn’t work, then I would be in the same place that I already was – separated.  But if it did work, I’d have my marriage back, which is what I wanted more than anything.  So it was worth the risk.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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