Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When a separated husband starts coming around to visit, many wives feel very encouraged. After all, many of us know wives whose separated husbands rarely, if ever, call or keep in touch – much less reach out in person. Much of the time, we try to tell ourselves that his beginning to visit is hopefully the first step toward him wanting to come home full time.

So when this doesn’t happen, we can be very frustrated and let down. And we can begin to wonder if he is playing games. I might hear a wife say: “I was thrilled when my husband first started coming back home. I figured after a week or two of these visits, he would ask if he could move back in. And I was ready to say yes. I couldn’t wait to start over. Unfortunately, this is not what happened. He keeps coming back home alright, but at the end of the visit he will get in his car and leave. I haven’t confronted him about this yet because I don’t want for the visits to stop. But now I am starting to worry. What if he has no intentions of moving back home? Why would he continue to visit me (and even have sex with me occasionally) and stop short of wanting to come back home?”

There are a couple of possible reasons that I can think of, but of course this can only be speculation because only the husband can know what he is thinking. I will list some possibilities below. And, you can see if this rings as a possibility for you.

He’s Leaning Toward Coming Home. But He Isn’t Sure Yet And He Wants To Make Sure That He’s Not Moving Too Quickly: So often, the spouse who didn’t want the separation in the first place is willing to take their spouse back even if they haven’t worked through their problems. They will take him back in any way that they can get him. They aren’t necessarily thinking very far ahead. They aren’t wondering what happens when he gets home and all of the issues start coming up again.

But that doesn’t mean that your husband isn’t thinking about this. He may well want to come home. But he is stopping himself short because he wants to set you up for long term success. So with each visit, he’s watching and evaluating how things are going. And, frankly, I would suspect that he is thinking that things are going well because he keeps coming back, right? If something were discouraging to him, then he might pull back on his visits.

Evaluating If His Intentions Aren’t Honorable: I will admit that some wives in this situation worry that their husband is just coming home for sex or for the ego boost and that he has no real intention of coming home for good for a reconciliation. I understand the concern, but you have to be the one to evaluate this because I can’t see first hand what is happening and you know your husband better than anyone else.

It makes sense to ask yourself if he only seems interested in sex and then leaves quickly afterward. Or does he engage and act caring outside of this and sometimes not even pursue it? In other words, does he seem more interested in connecting with or interacting with you outside of the physical contact? Does he call and engage when it’s obvious that there can’t be any contact in that moment? If he’s calling you to see how you are without expecting anything in return and he seems genuinely caring in addition to his visits, then this is telling.

But if the sex worries you or makes you feel taken advantage of, then you can certainly speak up in a gentle way, making it clear that you aren’t bringing this up because you want the visits to stop. You only want the visits to be for the right reasons.

Most of the time, I feel that it’s very encouraging when a separated spouse regularly visits and I always encourage people to keep building on those visits. It’s important to ensure that they go well so that they keep repeating and they become the stepping stones to rebuilding and saving your marriage.

I know that you want him home as soon as possible. I did too. But it’s risky to push too hard for this. Because if he comes home before he is ready, not only will he feel pressured, but your issues may come back up if you haven’t worked through them. As difficult as it is, I feel it’s best to wait until it is extremely obvious that the time is right. This avoids problems and it gives you both the confidence that your reconciliation has the best chance of success.

You can read more of my story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com)

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