Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you never wanted to separate in the first place, you are often looking for “signs” as whether the separation is going positively or negatively. You are often looking for “good signs.” But even bad signs may give you some indication as to your spouse’s thought process. People are often hoping that the behavior that they are seeing from their spouse has good implications.

I might hear a wife say: “I have been separated for only a couple of weeks. I did not want for my husband to go. He read some texts between my best friend and myself. I was mad at him at the time and I said some pretty awful things about him. I didn’t really mean them, but once my husband read this, his whole attitude about me was ‘well if you really feel that way about me, we should separate.’ I don’t really feel this way about him and I tried to tell him that, but he wasn’t listening. He packed a bag and has been staying at a hotel. Today, he texted me and asked if we could meet ‘to talk.’ I am wondering if this is a good sign. I know that I can’t and shouldn’t refuse to see him, but I’m honestly afraid as to what he is going to say.”

Well, if I had any guesses regarding this, I’d be speculating the same as you. But, it’s my experience that there are probably only about three likely scenarios. He may have calmed down and gained a little perspective. Because of this, he may have decided that he overreacted just a little bit. In that case, wanting to talk to you would be a good thing. He’s probably just looking to clarify what you meant by the text and he wants reassurance that you don’t really feel what the texts would indicate at first glance.

Another scenario is that he is still angry and wants to either extend the separation or seek a divorce. I think that this scenario is less likely, especially since you have only been separated for a couple of weeks. Typically, people take some time and interact for a bit to sort of test the waters before they make any firm decisions about their marriage. Still, people can surprise you. So, while I don’t think that this is the most likely scenario, anything is possible.

The third scenario is that he just wants to see you without any hidden agenda or plan. He may be trying to establish communication. This isn’t uncommon. Many couples try to keep in regular contact while separated. They may meet and have coffee or dinner once a week. This helps them to stay in contact and attempt to evaluate their feelings as they spend time together. Your husband may be trying to initiate this process.

Of course, you are not going to know what his real intentions are until you go and have “the talk.” Try to approach it with enthusiasm and optimism instead of dread. Try to act in a way so that you are both comfortable.

When you are separated, its important to try to make each meeting and each encounter positive. That way, your spouse will want to see you again. And with each encounter, you make progress and are hopefully closer to a reconciliation.

At the same time, it is important to realize that, even if this goes well and his wanting to talk means that he is reaching out to you, then you still want to be very aware of making sure that this separation wasn’t for nothing. You want to use this as an opportunity to fix what is broken and to strengthen your communication and your marriage.

No matter what he says and whether it is positive or negative, don’t overreact. Stay calm. Know that having a good or bad meeting tomorrow may not mean that your marriage is completely saved or it is completely over. One meeting and one talk isn’t likely to have definite and complete implications for your marriage and your separation. But, it can most definitely set the tone. So try to keep things light and positive so that the next meeting may go even better.

There may be the chance that your husband wants to come home. As exciting as this is, resist the urge for him to come home with no questions asked and no work really done. I am not saying that you don’t welcome him home with open arms. But I am saying that it is sometimes a mistake to just end the separation and to close the door as to what lead up to it in the first place.

The hope is that this “talk” leads to more frequent and positive talks between you so that you can actually make sure that this separation ends up being a positive (and not a negative) thing for your marriage. You want it to be the thing that strengthens your marriage rather than the thing that ends it.

If you would have told me while I was separated that I would eventually realize that the separation ended up having a positive affect on our marriage, I would have called you crazy.  I hated every day of the separation.  I even hate thinking about it today.  But, I do have to admit that it changed my marriage (and the way that I look at it) in some very positive ways. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I got my marriage back after the separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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