Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you have been separated for a while and you have tried any number of failed strategies to inspire a reconciliation or to get your spouse to come home, talk and thoughts will often turn to the idea of “moving on.” This is especially true when your separated spouse is telling you that this is what you should do and is giving you no encouragement regarding the future of your marriage.

So I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I have been separated for over nine months. This was not any nasty separation with people who were furious at one another. My husband and I are still very friendly and we were clear on the fact that we still loved one another. But, my husband felt that there may have been something missing in our marriage. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me when this unknown element was missing. So he moved out, but the understanding was always that we would hopefully take this time apart so that we could eventually end up together. I believed in this process and I never envisioned a future without my husband. Within the last couple of months, my husband’s attitude toward me has changed. He isn’t as willing to see or talk to me nearly as often. He’s not very encouraging about our marriage. I tried to be patient at first, but then I started to get afraid. The other day, I told my husband that I couldn’t help but notice his change in attitude toward me. I told him that I still had hope for our marriage. Then, he gently responded by saying ‘I’m just going to be honest and tell you that I have moved on. I really hope that you will move on too because I want you to be happy and I feel like it’s time.’ I am crushed by this. Who is he to decide when it’s time for me to move on? In my mind, it is way too soon. I can’t even consider it, much less do it. Do I have to move on just because he thinks that I do?”

I am going to admit to you right from the beginning that my opinion is very biased. Because I was in this same position and I know how badly it hurts and how it can make you feel as if a very important life-decision is being made for you. People who loved me very much and who only wanted the best for me were telling me to move on. My husband was giving me no hope whatsoever.

I knew that I didn’t want to move on. But I also didn’t want to be unrealistic. It wouldn’t have been healthy for me (or in my best interest) to pretend that things were going to work out just peachy for my marriage when it was very obvious that things weren’t going so well. So, what I did was to try to strike a compromise which would still allow for a little hope, but which was also based on realism and what was in my best interests.

I told myself that in my heart, I wasn’t going to give up on my marriage and I was just going to wait and see what happened. I wasn’t going to pressure my husband or continue to push him, because clearly this hadn’t worked. Instead, I was going to back away while still staying in touch. And, I was going to project myself back into the world again by going out with friends, pursuing hobbies, and interacting with family. I wasn’t trying to date again. I wasn’t calling my marriage over. I was just putting myself back out into the world, while deep down I was hoping that things would improve.

I have to tell you that I think that my husband was shocked by this. And, in the long run, it seemed to change his attitude toward me because it wasn’t very long before he became receptive again. We eventually reconciled, but that really isn’t the point. What I’m trying to stress here is that no one can really take your hope away without your permission and no one can decide for you when is the best time for you to move on. If you still want to have hope, then that is your prerogative. He doesn’t know what is in your mind or in your heart unless you tell him.

I can’t tell you when is the right time to move on. But I can tell you that it’s my opinion that while your husband can certainly decide when he thinks he’s ready to move on, he can’t make that call for you. Things change. Feelings evolve. You can’t control what he feels or does. But you can certainly control both of those things for yourself.

Sure, he may think that your moving on will make things easier for him and his wish for you to do so may be an indication that it’s time to back away for a while, but he can’t decide how you are going to live your life. That decision is yours alone. And I don’t see the harm in continuing to have hope, as long as you don’t let this keep you from living your life to the fullest.

I know that this hurts.  But you never know what is going to happen tomorrow.  I don’t think that you can go wrong turning your attention toward yourself.  That way, you are covered either way.  If he does become receptive again, your becoming stronger will only benefit your marriage.  It certainly benefited mine. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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