Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I know from experience that it can feel very reassuring when your separated husband is alluding to an eventual good outcome. It can make you feel just a little bit better when he’s telling you that everything is going to be OK. Unfortunately, I also know from experience that his reassurances don’t always fall in line with his intentions. Sometimes, he’s just trying to make you feel better even when he doesn’t know how things are going to turn out. This can leave you wondering what you should take away from his reassurances.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I begged my husband not to leave. I feel like a separation is a huge loss for me and I never wanted it to happen. My husband is well aware of how I feel about this. But he still felt that he wanted to separate anyway. He wants time away from me. I am still not clear on why. I will admit that I call him crying all of the time. I know that I shouldn’t do this. But it is nearly impossible for me to hide how devastated I truly am. Whenever I call my separated husband crying, he is always very sweet to me. He talks soothingly to me and he tells me that it is all going to be OK in the end. But if we talk again and I’m not upset, then he is right back to business as usual and he is distant. I was talking to my best friend about this and she told me not to read too much into my husband’s attitude. She said he’s trying to make it easier on me because that makes it easier on him. She said he just doesn’t want to hear me crying. I am hurt by this. Because I want to think that this all means that he still loves me. If he didn’t, why would he care that I was getting upset? Does his telling me that it will all be OK mean that he still loves me?”

Unfortunately, it’s impossible for any one to speculate about this – even the wife. Only the husband has some idea as to what he is thinking or feeling. And frankly, sometimes he’s not very in touch with his feelings. So even if he wanted to share this with you, he might still have a hard time.

There Are Some Good Signs Here, But Don’t Take Anything For Granted: I will say that the fact that he’s giving you reassurances and trying to comfort you would indicate that he still cares. I hear from a lot of wives that are newly separated and in some instances, their husbands won’t even take their calls. Other times, he takes their calls but he is incredibly cold to them. The fact that he is trying to soothe you is very positive, but you don’t want to just take this small fact and convince yourself that you have nothing to worry about and you therefore don’t need to take any action.

I am not saying this to discourage you. I just want you to realize that it can be very beneficial to not let your guard down and to go forward with changes that you might already know that you need to make. Because my husband always tried to make me feel better when I got down about the separation – at least at first. But this didn’t last forever. Eventually, he tired of me always bringing him down. So, not only did he stop with the encouragement, he distanced himself from me. I had to work so much harder to get him to be receptive to me again.

Why It Makes Sense To Steer Things Toward More Positive Conversations: If I had this to do all over again, I would be glad for the reassurance, but I wouldn’t count on it lasting forever. And I would realize that I needed to change the topic of conversation quite soon. Because its just human nature to not want to continue with something that makes you feel sad or guilty.

My husband came to know that every time he called me, I was going to carry on about our situation and I was going to try to get him to tell me it was all going to be OK. Over time, he no longer wanted to make that phone call to me because he knew what was going to happen.

But, if I had played it differently and I had started to act upbeat and friendly when he called rather than sad and demanding, he might have wanted to call me more. He might quite willingly have wanted to engage with me. And I might have developed something on which I could build.

The Bottom Line: Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if this husband still loved his wife. His having concerns about her worries certainly indicated that he still cared deeply about her feelings and this was a very good sign. But, I’d suggest being careful here. Don’t douse those loving feelings by always needing endless reassurance so that he no longer wants to give them freely.

If you can begin to pull away from this cycle and be pleasant when he calls (and even reassure him sometimes) then I think you make it more likely that the loving feelings will remain.

I don’t mean to discourage you.  I know that this is hard.  But I’m trying to help you to not make the same mistakes that I did.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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