Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people picture a married couple as two people who are living together and who are spending most of their waking hours (outside of work, at least) together. But what happens when so much closeness just doesn’t work anymore? Or when too much togetherness actually causes conflict that begins to deteriorate or harm the marriage? And what happens when one spouse proposes that the marriage is never going to make it if they continue living together, so he suggests trying living apart instead?

To demonstrate, here’s a comment from a wife: “I will admit that my husband and I really struggle with our different personalities. He is so introverted and he likes for our home to be very minimalist and very quiet. I think he would enjoy living in a temple to be honest. He just likes a lot of quiet and a lot of order. I am the exact opposite. I don’t care if the house is a mess during the week when I am working. I clean it on Sundays and that is good enough for me. I like to have upbeat music playing. Silence makes me uncomfortable. I hate arguing with my husband about something so menial as our housing, but it has become a big conflict for us. My husband says that there are times when he doesn’t want to leave the sanctuary of his office because he knows that he has to come home to chaos. He says that causes a lot of turmoil in this life and he has considered separating from me or even a divorce. He says that he thinks that the best thing for us to do is to live apart because he can’t stand living with me anymore. I believe that this is just a precursor for us splitting up and I am resistant to this. I have offered to try to change at home but my husband says that this wouldn’t last and it wouldn’t be genuine. He wants to get himself a little minimalist uncluttered apartment and live there most of the time. He envisions us seeing each other daily but sleeping in separate homes. He says that he thinks that this is the only way to stay together. Can this arrangement ever work? Or is he just trying to ease me into splitting up?”

I have actually heard these types of situations quite a few times. Most of the time though, the situation is meant to be temporary. What I mean by this is that the couple has found that they are not getting along living together so they will temporarily live apart in attempt to calm things down and to work out their conflict in a less volatile environment. The idea is almost always that as soon as the conflict is worked out, then they will once again live together and will hopefully be free of what lead them to live separately in the first place.

It is much more rare to see a situation in which there is no expectation that they will live together again, but this doesn’t mean that it can’t or doesn’t happen. I do know one couple who live in separate homes but who spend more quality time together than couples who live under the same roof. The key for them, though, is that both of them are very happy with this situation and they find it preferable to living together.  They both like their individual space. I am not sure it would work as well if one spouse was only going along with it because they felt that they didn’t have any other choice.

My inclination to couples who are getting ready to live under separate roofs is to encourage them to try to come up with alternatives first. Because there is always a risk when someone moves out that the same person will never move back in. Or that the marriage may lose something that it can never get back.

I would suggest trying some alternatives before someone moves out, like having a quiet, sparse room that is only for the husband’s use (so that it stays clean and so he can use it as his save haven) and also allotting some time when both people can be in their comfort zones. Perhaps you set aside on hour for quiet and another that is less stringent. Or, the wife agrees to play her music with headphones. She may just begin doing this without consulting her husband and seeing if this will change his perceptions. It just seems to me that before one person actually makes the very drastic step of moving out, some alternatives should be tried first. Yes, this couple seemed to have very different personalities. But many couples live harmoniously despite this.  The husband may be resistant to this.  But if the wife makes some changes that actually shows him some relief, he may change his mind.

Having said this, I don’t want to give you the impression that I think that living separately to stay together is impossible. I don’t think that it is impossible. But I think that in order for it to work well, both people would need to be at peace with the decision and every effort should be made to spend regular time together so that it still feels like you are married and connected. One important aspect of being married are those shared experiences and that sense of togetherness. You want to be able to foster that no matter where you are living.

I think that whatever solution works for both of you can be fine.  It’s just important to find that happy middle ground where both of you can feel at least somewhat agreeable to it.  Because it’s very important that you are comfortable working together during the separation.  If not, things can get very awkward very quickly.  I know this first hand. If it helps, you can read more about my experiences my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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