Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who suspect that the time has come to pursue a divorce. They typically feel that their marriage is too damaged to save or they perceive that they don’t love their spouse in the same way anymore. However, as real and as problematic as these feelings are to them, there can be some guilt about ending their marriage. And they are left wondering what all of these guilt feelings really mean.

I might hear a comment like: “I can say immediately and without any reservation that my husband is a good man and a superb father. I am actually very lucky to have in my life as are our children. But I fell out of love with him about two years ago. We are just different people. I want to embrace life and get a lot of it and he is very happy with the simplest of things. I dream of having my own business one day and he is content to just work week to week. I also have to admit that I have become interested in a man at my job although I would never pursue that until I was divorced. So I’m pretty clear on the fact that I want a divorce. But I haven’t told my husband about this yet. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do this. We spent Christmas together recently and every time I looked at my children’s happy faces and every time I saw my husband looking so at peace and so content and I felt so awful when I realized that I was going to mess everything up. I feel horribly guilty, but the fact is, I’m just not happy. I was telling one of my friends about this and she said that if I feel guilty then I know in my heart that it’s not yet time for a divorce. Is she right? The thing is, I really think that I am sure that I want a divorce. But I do feel horrible about what I am about to do. Does this mean that I should reconsider?”

What The Guilt Might Be Trying To Tell You: I can’t tell you whether or not you should reconsider. This is a decision that only you can make. But, from my own experience and from hearing from others in the same situation on my blog, it’s my opinion that if you are have strong negative feelings like guilt and doubt, this is your subconscious’ way of telling you to slow down. This is a very big decision with very far reaching consequences. It doesn’t just affect you. It affects your entire family. And, I believe that it is probably safe to say that there is going to be guilt until and unless you know that you have done everything in your power to save your marriage. Until you do that, you are always going to wonder what might have been and you may suspect that you walked away too quickly.

Unsatisfying Marriages Can Turn Around: Honestly, I have seen marriages that were truly in trouble (my own included) transform once both people became excited about and committed to making the changes necessary to rebuild the marriage. I realize that this wife was worried that she and her husband were too different to truly be compatible. But quite honestly, sometimes the differences can actually enhance the marriage if you approach them in the right way.

The wife hadn’t mentioned any type of previous counseling. Nor did it appear that her husband had any idea that she was so unhappy. The divorce was likely to be a huge shock and disappointment to him, which of course was one thing that was making the wife feel so guilty. He likely wouldn’t even see this coming.

He Might Be Willing To Work Very Hard To Change The Situation: Considering this, what harm would it do to just be honest with the husband and give him a chance to work with her to fix the situation? Obtaining the right type of help or paying the right type of attention to your marriage can completely transform it. Doesn’t it make sense to first try everything in your power to work with the family that you already have without walking away before you give them that chance? I think that a husband who is faced with the threat of losing his marriage might also be a husband who is very motivated to doing everything in his power to fix this.

And, the fact that the wife could still see the good in her husband and concede that he was a high quality person was indicative of the fact that some feelings were still there, even if the feelings weren’t of the intensity that the wife might have liked. It’s my experience that this intensity can return. I know that this wife may have had doubts. That is normal. But if you move beyond the doubts and really try, I think that you might be pleasantly surprised.

But to answer the original question, this isn’t a decision that I can make for anyone. But I do believe that guilt and doubt can be a good indication that you are moving too quickly. I believe it makes sense to first try to save your marriage, and as a last resort, to separate, before you pursue a divorce. If none of this works and you end up divorcing anyway, at least you will know that you did all you could before taking this very drastic action. And there is a chance that your efforts will work and you will be able to save your marriage and be happy once again within it while being able to keep your family in tact.

I know that there are times when it looks as if your marriage is beyond all repair.  But as I said, with the right type of attention, you can not only fix it but make it better than it ever was.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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