Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for wives to have difficulty interpreting their husband’s mixed signals during a separation. This can be especially true if the husband is the one who initiated the divorce and now suddenly seems to be interested or receptive to his wife or his marriage again.

The type of comment that I might hear is something like: “I actually felt kind of fortunate that my husband initiated a separation instead of a divorce. For the longest time, when he talked about how unhappy he was, he would say that perhaps it would be best if we just divorced and saved both of us a lot of time, money, and confusion. This is the last thing that I wanted so I encouraged him to consider a separation instead. He was very resistant to this at first but he finally gave in, much to my great relief. I’m not saying that I like being separated, but I have always been clear on the fact that I think that a separation is better than a divorce. However, during the separation, he was very distant to me. He made it clear that he didn’t want me to reach out to him too much. Because when I would try that, he would always be busy or there would be an excuse as to why he couldn’t talk to or see me. This hurt me a lot. But I eventually got the hint because I stopped calling him so much and I focused on other things in my life. Luckily, I reached a point in my career where I had to spend a lot of time at my office and I became deeply involved in a work project. This took up a lot of my time and made me less lonely. So I was very surprised to come home one day and find a message from my husband. I thought that something must be wrong, but he just wanted to talk. After that, he began to call me more frequently. I am not sure how to take this. I enjoy talking to him. But I don’t want to get my hopes up because I worry that he is only lonely and just trying to fill the time. What could it mean when a separated husband who showed no interest before suddenly starts calling?”

Consider That The Frequency May Well Be A Good Sign: Well, I suppose that it could mean that he was bored if it had only happened once or twice. But the fact that it had happened several times now and showed no signs of letting up actually indicated to me that this went beyond just being lonely or bored. I know how it feels when you don’t want to get your hopes up. I have been there too.

Determining Where You Want To Go From Here: To me, it really comes down to making a choice. You have to decide if it is worth the risk to face disappointment for the promise of a change in your situation. And you have to search your heart for what you really want to happen. Yes, this wife was coping very well. Yes, she was staying busy and this distracted her thoughts away from her marriage and separation. But, it might help her to honestly look at her situation and decide if saving her marriage was still important to her. Because if it was, then beginning to just talk on the phone is a great place to begin this process. And one reason for this is that communicating effectively is a very necessary skill in saving your marriage and in keeping it healthy after you reconcile.

Communicating By Phone Is A Great Foundation On Which to Build: If you can regularly talk on the phone in healthy ways so that your husband is wanting to repeat the process over and over again, then you really are developing a foundation on which you can continue to build. Honestly, this wife seems to have stumbled upon a similar scenario to my own, which actually ended up working out in my favor. Once I began to back away from my husband and live my own life, he became a little interested in me again. But, I was hours away because I had visited friends and family. So, our communication had to be via phone, email, and text.

This actually worked out to my advantage because, since we couldn’t see each other or spend time together in one another’s presence, we missed one another – even though neither of us was admitting it at the time. But being limited to only verbal or written communication actually ended up benefitting us with a greater since of intimacy and a way to ease the awkwardness and that was certainly possible here.

I understood the wife’s concern and hesitation. Sure, the husband may have been calling for reasons other than missing his wife, but she wasn’t going to know that unless she opened herself up to this communication. And I don’t feel that there is any harm and waiting to see what is going to happen. With all of this said, I believe that it is often to your benefit to try to keep the conversation light and casual, especially at first. You don’t want to put too much pressure on the situation. As time goes on, and you are back on more solid ground, you can become more deliberate in your conversations. But when you are just reestablishing communication again, then it’s best to take it slowly.

I hope that this helped.  Try not to look at it as a risk, but as a new possibility.  I know that it’s hard to risk disappointment, but perhaps you will gain something else.    If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about my own story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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