Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who know that they need to reestablish an easy rapport and good communication during their marital separation, but they are having problems successfully doing this. Every time they try, the conversation feels forced. Or something goes terribly wrong and they say something unfortunate that they very much regret. So sometimes, it can feel as if it’s better to not talk at all. Only, if you do this, how in the world are you ever going to save your marriage or reconcile?”

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I have been separated for two weeks. He has asked me to give him space, which I did, even though it was very difficult. Well, now I know that it’s time for us to try to communicate. So I called my husband and the conversation was so strained. I had intended to ask him out for coffee, but I lost my nerve because I can’t imagine what it would be like. I just imagine us sitting there and starring at one another as no one says a word. That was one of the main reasons for our separation – we have grown apart. Things are really weird between us. For a couple of months before our separation, we vowed to try to bring back the spark in our marriage. But we failed miserably. If we don’t have the kids to talk about or their isn’t some drama with our jobs, then we struggle to even make small talk. It’s like we don’t have anything in common anymore. I wouldn’t even know how to have a conversation with my husband right now. And yet, I know that we need to communicate as we never have before in order to save our marriage. This is very sad because we used to talk effortlessly and endlessly and now, the idea of a simple conversation makes me feel anxious. What can I do?”

As I see it, there are a couple of strategies that you could try here, depending on your husband’s personality and how receptive he is. It’s my opinion that it’s best to start small in this situation. You don’t want to attempt to fix all of your problems at once. And, you don’t want to have heavy conversations that are going to cause more conflict and put too much stress on already difficult situation.

So, at first you may want to keep the conversation short and light. You don’t always have to talk about your marriage. You can talk about whatever current events are happening, or, better yet, you can talk about shared experiences – the movie you just saw or the cup of coffee you are drinking. When the conversation starts to get strained or it lags, then it’s time to end the meeting until the next time. Keep doing this until the conversation becomes easier. Over time, as you keep things very light and playful, you will notice that it’s no longer as difficult and that the conversation begins to flow. The idea is to build on the last success and to be very careful to keep the pressure level low. You want for the conversation to be easy and playful.

You never want to have to strain or push. Which is why if the above suggestions don’t help, it may be time to include a third party and by that I mean a counselor or go between. A good counselor is so valuable in a situation like this because they can be the helpful third party. When there is no conversation happening, they can begin asking open ended questions that gets things going. As you spend more time like this, you will notice that you’ll start to talk to one another naturally after your sessions and eventually, you will no longer need the go between.

If counseling isn’t feasible or isn’t desired, then you can have someone else be the go between. Have a mutual friend in on the conversation or meet a couple that you are friends with for lunch so that it’s a group conversation. This is usually much easier to navigate and you can avoid those awkward silences this way. If you have children, going out for fun family dinners can work for this too. But you have to be very careful with this. You don’t want to use your children. And you want to make sure that family interactions are exactly that. You don’t want for your kids to feel the awkwardness or to get in the middle of your issues. If you’re going to attempt this, always make sure that the family get togethers are about the kids. And keep it focused on them so that it remains light hearted and fun. Even so, you will often find that you can have a much easier conversation this way than when the two of you are alone and just starring at one another.

I know first hand how difficult this is. But the key is to not let the awkwardness stop you. To do that, you may have to settle for short conversations and small successes at first. Or, you may have to have the majority of your conversations in the presence of someone else. Both methods are OK, as long as you keep moving forward.

I remember having this same problem during my own separation.  So I had to start very small and work my way up from there. You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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