Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who say that they no longer feel any real intimacy in their marriage. They often describe it as going through the motions or feeling as if they are putting on an act. They feel as if their marriage might look one way from the outside but be devoid of any real love and emotion on the inside. When this happens, one or both spouses can feel as if they are living a fake life or participating in a fake marriage.

To voice this, I might hear a comment like: “I have come to feel like my marriage is fake. My husband and I are very cordial to one another. I am sure that our children feel loved and secure. And all of our friends think that we have a wonderful marriage. We never fight and we have the same beliefs and values. My husband is a good man and I do love him. But there is no real emotion between us. We act very different toward each other when it is just the two of us than we are around other people. If we were to go to a restaurant alone and without our children, then we don’t have too much to talk about. I have tried to ignore this for a long time. But I can not do it anymore. I feel so lonely within my own home and within my own marriage and I find that incredibly sad. The more I think about this, the more I wonder if I should cut my losses and move on. I am starting to think that my husband and I just don’t have much in common anymore. I want a relationship where I can be passionate and crazy in love and can laugh out loud. I am not sure that this is going to be possible with this man and this marriage. Is it selfish of me to want more? And if it’s not, is it time to move on?”

I have to be honest and say right from the beginning that my inclination is always going to be to try first to save your marriage before you walk away. And, I didn’t get a sense of any of that in the scenario above. The wife conceded that her husband was a good man with whom she felt love. Admittedly, that love had dimmed. But I know first hand that love that has faded can come back full force if you direct the right type of attention onto it. I am not going to tell you that this is easy, but in my opinion and experience, it is worth it. If you already have children with this person and have built a life, isn’t it worth it to at least try to salvage this before you walk away? I think it’s at least worth it to explore some ways that you might attempt to improve things before you consider walking away.

Vulnerability Is The Key To Intimacy. When Vulnerability Leaves A Marriage, So Does The Closeness: I will admit that I’m not a therapist or even a marriage specialist. But there is a reoccurring theme that I hear on my blog when people talk about lacking emotion in their marriages or feeling as if their marriage isn’t genuine or is fake. And that is that one or both of the spouses have distanced themselves from the other. Maybe one of the spouses has disappointed the other and so they back away just a bit. Maybe their spouse isn’t as available as they would like and so, once again, they step back. If you do this enough over time, you will no longer be nearly as open and vulnerable with your spouse. You no longer talk openly without hesitation. You lose your vulnerability because you don’t want to feel hurt or rejected.

And, at the time, this can feel like the right thing to do because you are diminishing the risk of being hurt or disappointed. But, you are also diminishing the reward of being intimate. In order to reverse this process, one thing you will eventually need to do is to have the courage to be vulnerable again. This might mean being the first person to take the initiative or to bring up and address the disconnect that you are seeing and feeling.

I bring this up because it can be difficult to get the intimacy back unless and until you are willing to be vulnerable and open again. I know that this thought may not be appealing right now, but I wouldn’t bring it up if it were not vital. And, if you are going to put in the effort, then you want to be successful.

Staying Put When Walking Away Seems Easier: I think by now, it’s probably pretty obvious that I don’t think you should leave a good spouse unless you’ve explored various options to save your marriage first. If you love your spouse but only feel like you’re putting on a show or staring in a fake version of your life, then it might be time to take a long hard look at your habits and behaviors and ask yourself where is the opportunity to create more vulnerability and intimacy. Yes, it may feel scary and awkward. But isn’t it worth the risk in order to have your real marriage back? I believe that this process is not only possible, but it is also worth it. And I know first hand that it is possible to get the passion and excitement back. It can be hard work. But it can also be done. So my answer to the question would be that no, in my opinion it’s not time to move on until you first put in the effort to make your marriage feel genuine again.

My husband and I were separated for a time.  As a result, there was definitely a distance and disconnect.   Recreating the intimacy was a huge effort.  But it was worth it. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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