Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have been dissatisfied with habits of their husband and issues in their marriage. They may have even tried to change things but were met with a great deal of resistance. After a while, when nothing changes, it can be tempting for the wife to begin to believe that nothing is ever going to change no matter what she says or does. And, she begins to think, if she wants to stay married and not always feel conflict and unhappiness, then perhaps she should learn to live with it and to stop caring so much.

To that end, I might get a comment on my blog like: “over time, my husband has changed and his behavior toward me is not nearly as considerate as it used to be. Sometimes, he is downright inconsiderate. He is a slob at home and expects me to clean up after him while he makes no attempt to help out. He seems to care more about his friends than he cares about me. He forgets birthdays and anniversaries. He’s not a good listener. Occasionally, he will surprise me and do something sweet, but these instances are few and far between. I have tried various things in order to get him to change, but nothing works. In an attempt to deal with this, I’ve started reading self help books. And one common theme of them is that if you can’t change your circumstances, then change your attitude. So if you don’t like your job but can’t change it, then find small things that you like about it and focus on those things. I understand this intellectually, but when I try to apply this to my own marriage, it doesn’t seem to work. I feel resentful that I am the only one who is changing my attitude. And, it might be my imagination, but it seems like my husband takes advantage of me when I try to have a more positive attitude. I don’t want to end my marriage. I would never do that. But I want for things to change. I don’t want to be this unhappy in my life. How can I get to the point where I can become numb to the things that my husband does and not care about them nearly as much?”

This Can Work When The Problems Are Small And Rare: I completely understand this wife’s line of thinking. No matter how much work and time we invest into our marriages, there is always going to be something that our spouse does that drives us a little crazy. That doesn’t mean that our spouse is a bad person or that we are not compatible. This is just to be expected when two people are together as much as married people are together. So, even in the best marriages, there are always going to be issues that can be better navigated by changing your outlook, seeing things in the proper perspective, and then putting a positive spin on them. This can a very effective, and non confrontational, way to deal with this.

This Is Not As Effective For Big Or Numerous Problems, But That Doesn’t Mean You Should Give Up: I find that this type of shift of attitude is best used (and most effective) when you are talking about small issues that don’t happen day after day after day. And the reason is that if other areas of your marriage are pretty good, then obviously you are going to have more patience for the things that are not. But, when you are talking about big issues or you are having to do this on a daily or even hourly basis, then success with this strategy is much more difficult to achieve because it can feel overwhelming. That’s why it can help to be honest and to take inventory. It can help to ask yourself what issues are small ones that you can easily shift your attitude towards and which ones really do need to change. Once this is done, you can set about eliminating the ones that are causing the most problems. I know that this wife said that she had tried anything, but I’m not sure that this included counseling. Sometimes, a third party can be very helpful because your spouse is more apt to listen to them than to listen to you.

Another tactic that many people don’t try is using positive reinforcement rather than negative reinforcement. Often, people will keep talking and keep pointing out where their spouse is falling short. You can talk and debate until you’re literally exhausted, but nothing changes. If this is the case, it makes sense to approach it from another way. It might be worth it to try an approach that he’s not expecting. When you catch him doing something right, lap on the praise. And then point out why it makes you happy. For instance, this wife had said that him not helping with cleaning up was driving her crazy. So, when the mood was light and things were good, she might cheerfully ask him to take five minutes to help her clean up. When he did that (even if it was with complaint) then she could make a big deal about what a huge help it was and then give him a hug or kiss. She might even say that when he helped out more, it freed up more time for her to pay attention to him. Then, she might wait for the next opportunity and repeat the process. You will often find that eventually he’s doing the desired behavior without your needing to ask. Because he’s become conditioned to expect positive reinforcement so he doesn’t tune you out.

Now, you will have to tackle one issue at a time. You don’t want to try to change too much too soon. But, you will often find that once you have less issues to stop caring so much about, then the remaining issues don’t seem as overwhelming. The idea is to whittle them down until you one day realize that you are content and that this is manageable. But to answer the question posed, I think that it’s possible to train yourself to not cling so tightly to every problem. But I believe that if there are too many problems or if the problems that exist are very important to you, then the “mind over matter” strategy isn’t as effective. The key is to determine which issues you can live with and which are most troublesome and need to be changed. I commend you for being proactive about this.  That is very important.  When my own marriage was in decline, I just turned a blind eye and hoped for the best.  That was a huge mistake because it almost costs me my marriage.  And saving my marriage did require an adjustment in attitude. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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